I know on some levels it makes perfect sense and yet for years I couldn't understand why if I was so diligently calling the biggest, bestest, strongest Love into me as possible, why I kept feeling so thick and stuck in my shit. What gives anyway! However, after the umteenth reading I received from this channel or that Spiritual guide or astrologer - all saying I came into this life to potentially clear extra amounts of karmic clutter - all to catch up and make up time, it began to make more sense.
It wasn't much easier to deal with what came up in me, though it did frame it in a bigger perspective and this was somewhat of a comfort. There was a 'date with destiny' thing that kept creeping up in these readings, like I was contracted to fulfill some significant piece in my Soul puzzle (aren't we all) ... if I could only keep on keepin' on, not give up and continue calling in the Big Love into my self and my life.
This as you've probably learned to know, always sounds better than it actually is. The storyline plot of going face to face with our inner 'demons' and in time, overcoming and transforming the Shadow drive that runs (and often ruins) our lives, to actually come out the other side, sure reads well on page. How many of us in fact, are really up to this task? Perhaps not so many, although the numbers I hope to believe are increasing. We sure need all the help we can get out here ...
For me, growing up on the south side of Chicago, in a mostly black neighborhood in the 1960's, was a real Blessing indeed. I grew up in Hyde Park, in a fairly racially mixed community which due to the proximity of the University of Chicago, had a more liberal bent, lending a more permissive quality to the area. Because of this influence, Hyde Park was chosen as the text 'hood, introducing racial integration into the mostly white public school system in Chicago.
As a direct result of the civil rights movement in America at the time, this became the obvious next choice forward for positive proactive change. Thankfully, the efforts, pain and struggle of so many finally made significant shifts in our collective social intelligence to bring about this remarkable evolutionary change. Thank God for all of us.
People think it was only the socially less advantaged who benefited from the civil right movement, however Spiritually speaking, who hasn't been the recipient of the effects of this enormous shift in our human growth consciousness? And just think, this was only 40 plus years ago.
For me and for all kids exempt from fkup prejudiced parental conditioning so many are subjected to, always learn to get along and play with one another, regardless of racial or cultural disguises. Playing together is the great equalizer. No matter what color you wear, if you can hit, throw and catch a baseball or a football, you're included in the game. It's that simple. And I could do it all, really well.
Growing up, playing on the ball fields across the street from my house, became my solace and sanctuary. Here I was accepted and valued solely for what I could do, how I performed in games and how I got along with others. Nothing else mattered. No head trips, hidden agendas or unspoken drama loops simmering away under the surface. Like at home - which was rotten with dysfunctional over, under, through and throughout currents of fkupness.
As so many of us know, it was like living in a revolving hall of mirrors being told all reflections were even, clean and normal. And yet, somehow knowing deep inside that the twisted imagery speaking just wasn't safe or trustable after all. At least this was how it was for me.
My father, Bless his Heart, a Ph.D Harvard trained psychologist, where everything was a head trip anyway and because of the traumatic events of his extremely difficult childhood (why else become a psychologist), as parents are wont to do, passed his extremely difficult childhood onto his boys.
For whatever reason, as a young child, I was said to most like him. Great. In effect, I was the downside flow drain of his own emotional angst. As water flows downstream, so does our primary care giver's shit. Ask any parental abuse survivor, suffering tends to follow this trajectory. But hey, who hasn't had this dealt hand to deal with in our lives. We all gotta make the best of what we've been given - or not - and if not, the craziness just keeps passing along. Just take a look at our world and see this all too clearly, in plain display.
It was on the ball field and in school I learned so many basic lifelesson truths that have served me well in life. How you treat others is largely how you're treated in return. Especially when growing up a minority. You really gotta get this particular lesson. If not, it's a painful one to keep getting wrong. My out-the-house life was the perfect balance for life inside. Outside, I was a full-on, balls to the wall kid who was a natural athlete and leader, who could communicate and play with just about anyone. I had strong street cred because I could get along and because I had a big Heart.
When picking up sides for whatever game we were playing, along with the next best kid, I was always the one doing the picking. Never ever could I not pick the dweeb or nerd usually left to last. I always felt the cringe inside this clumsy kid and empathized with his own lack of self-worth. Because at home, I was the one never good enough.
Having 2 type AA parents, who much to their credit, pulled and educated their way away from their respective upbringings to achieve worldly success, was a challenging environment to grow up in. To say the least. And this again I believe, was a carry-over from a Soul pattern I incarnated in with ... that no matter what I did, I was unlovable. It seemed I could never really please my parents.
Because in motivating their own academic growth, their standards were so high for themselves, they could only be this way to their offspring. The deeper Soul pattern playing out here was that - follow the progression here - if my parent's Love was conditional, so was God's ... if I couldn't satisfy my father's desires, how could I fulfill God's.
Because on an deeply intuitive level, I felt I wasn't wanted as an offspring or as a male, than I must somehow be unlovable after all. Like there was a basic flaw in me ... and this is what I carried into this life to potentially heal ... I believed that somewhere along my Soul progression line, I had offended God so much He/She/It no longer Loved me - and in order to earn It's Love again, I had to punish myself - to be worth of being Loved.
Whew! Talk about a really poor strategy in getting my needs met.
... to be continued ...
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