As a recap: Late last
summer as I was fervently writing away, moving through the 3nd
chapter of my book, Awakening The Sacred Masculine At The Turning Of the Ages,
low, behold and faux pas, I had an unexpected techno event. My laptop’s hard
drive crashed kaput, wiping out all my previous material. I mean, the whole
shebang (Prologue, Introduction, 1st and 2nd chapters),
my entire text was deleted. Gone, adios, nada no more.
Needless to say, along with a
number of daze of semi-implosion and deep Soul searching, I sought out various technicians
in my area and send-away services, attempting to retrieve my lost content.
Alas, to no avail. The whole hard drive was corrupted. Toast.
It was like taking a direct hit to
my Heart, never mind the nuts. I felt somehow thwarted, blocked and even
cosmically cursed. I went into a spell of strong self-incrimination, coming to
doubt my own energy, intentions and abilities to follow through to reach my
goal of getting this Sacred Masculine material out to the world. It began a
period where I got to see a number of aspects of who I am, where I’ve come from
and how I show up in the face of adversity.
Much to my relief, I didn’t go
on a 2 week binge, trying to soothe my doubts with whatever substances I could
find. To be sure, in the old daze, I sure would have. I got right back into my Spiritual
practice, my physical, emotional and mental disciplines and routines – what I call
my ‘Constitutionals.’ I still felt
knocked down and blown off course, however, I didn’t feel personally defeated.
And yet, I just couldn’t go back to writing again …
It was like the wind got kicked
out of me, leaving me questioning, yet again, if I was made for this work, if I
was up to the task. Mind you, this has been an extremely long haul in this life
and I have to believe, in previous life times as well. Without being too
self-serving or grandiose, to bring in a very new frequency such as this, all in
hopes of embodying such an immense presence as the Sacred Masculine is quite
actually, a really big deal. At least for me it’s been.
After first being introduced to
this quest back in 1997 and being singled out by my initiator/teacher/mentor
Nichole Christine, being asked to carry forth the torch of the Sacred
Masculine, it’s been a huge, uphill climb ever since. I mean really, ass
kicking, big time. To do this work isn’t the same as learning a marketable
skill or selling real estate or acting on stage. In fact, it’s not selling or
acting at all. To do this work requires embodying the Presence of this within
yourself. At least more than enough, more than the other nonsense.
Mind you, this Presence is not
gender-specific. The masculine consciousness (or more likely, unconsciousness),
lives in all of us, women and men alike. For whatever reason I signed up to do
this work, karmicly speaking - please believe me on this – more often than not,
it’s has been a major drag. Seriously.
The irony of calling in a higher, deeper frequency, such as loving kindness for
instance, is as you do, all that is not
loving kindness, gets driven up to the surface to heal and clear. As in: the
brighter the Light, the darker the Shadow that shows itself. Go figure.
And oh my golly, have I had a
load of shit to clear this life. Anyway, the feeling of being sideswiped, self-sabotaged
all over again, hit me like a steel 2X4, smack between the eyes. It made me
question myself and my faith in my self. It made me wonder if I would ever step
up and get out from under (up until now), the dark, black shroud of my own significant,
self-worth issues. In this and I believe is so for all of us sooner than later,
it put me right back in a primal choice-point to choose anew.
Indeed, the only way out is
through … I later tried to pick up the trail and continue writing but my drive
just wasn’t there. How to build upon text and content when I wasn’t even sure what
I’d previously written? It was like trying to put in the second story windows
on a new house when the foundation wasn’t even laid. I simply couldn’t do it
and chalked it up to yet another failed attempt to show up for a larger purpose
than just living my life, by and for myself and personal self-interests.
In this, I know disappointment
all too well. I know the feeling of not having whatever it takes to fulfill,
what I’ve come to recognize is a deep seated, Soul mission. I know the Heartbreak
of just not being good enough. And it so
sucks. Down to my core.
But hey, today’s a brand new
day! In fact, we’ve just had a New Moon, the first of the solar New Year. This
is prime-time inception time, folks. To begin a project now is said to be extremely
fortuitous and very well accented by the cosmic forces at play. And so I have.
This blog initiates a new wave
for me, coming on the current I began on this past Vernal Equinox (March 20th),
when I launched a meetup group here in NYC called Awakening The Sacred Masculine in NYC. The following Sunday, my friend
Alan Steinfeld invited me to sit on a Sacred Sexuality panel at the Whole Life
Expo where I was able to, not just speak the lofty words but effortlessly transmit
this current to the those attending.
What a gas to be fully present
and transparent enough to not hardly feel an iota of concern as to what was
going to come out of my mouth. I’ll share more on this in upcoming blogs,
however, as I send out word for the next ASM in NYC meetup this Thursday (meetup.com
- please check it out), I can only say THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU!
No one said it was supposed to be easy, just worth it. And so it is.
Thank You &
Love To Us All ~
PS I invite you to share these posts with
anyone you feel would benefit and if you feel inspired, to write your feedback insights
through the ‘Comment’ key on this blog. Also, please check out my work, Heart
Tantra - The Attunement Session - on my web site heartantra.com. I offer
in-person sessions here in the NYC area and absentee or long-distance work if
you don't. Always Blessings On
Your Way!
