Leading With Need

In the delicacy and mastery of my personal energy management – how I go about creating my reality, consciously or not – a strategy I’ve thankfully left largely behind is one I call - Leading With Need. Whenever faced with an especially challenging situation in my life, up until now, (I just Love that qualifier!), I’ve most often acted/reacted from a place of caution, concern, doubt and yes, fear. I always compressed, clinched and got tight. Most every time.

 

This is rarely an advantageous position from which to make an important decision, crunching in the midst of a whelming moment, over the top or not. Like most of us, I never learned, nor was taught, how to navigate my life with even a semblance of conscious awareness. I just didn’t have a clue and as with those who actually do evolve, got my smarts more on the fly. Looking back, one of my advantages was I left home at 18, hitchhiking out West, jumping head first, naked with a backpack on, into the at times flame and most always, the uncertain mystery of life. 

Whether courageous, audacious or hopelessly out of touch, my choice to follow the road, meeting and dealing with whatever I faced, has made me the man I am. There’s an old saying I’ve so often told myself in times of struggle and stress: Learn to fly when you’re falling. Not especially comforting I suppose but coming from an old school approach of evolving at all costs, it puts it all tidy neat in a nutshell. 

Not very helpful advice for so many people I’ve known, however, they wouldn’t know how to handle the pressure of not having a ‘life plan’ firmly in place. For those too given to caving, it’s murder of the immune system. Perhaps it was early on hearing R. Frost’s famous poem about the road less traveled having made all the difference and all that. Like migrating birds, an internal switch went off early in my primal brain, telling me I had to leave the nest as soon as I possibly could.

Choosing to forgo the collage route though from heavy academic parentage, I most desired to become better at being me, not at something I could make a good living at. How often I’ve wondered how my life would be had I followed in the footsteps laid out before me – which of course, was an impossibility from my point of view. Perhaps it was my innately rebellious nature that only intensified when told what to do, and yet, I didn’t have too far to look to see how this approach didn’t insure a life of contentment, fulfillment or happiness. Just ask my parents.

Somehow on some instinctual level, I knew I had a whole lot of catching up to do – and the info I was being given in my home wouldn’t help much in moving me forward on my quest. It turns out, I was right. I’ve known a lot of intelligent people in my life but not so many wise or especially awake ones. I’ve had the pleasure of brief glimpses into how a life of conscious co-creation looks, how a master goes about themselves in ways that often defy easy explanation, yet most always are clearly exceptional. 

An awakened person is a living work of art, a priceless display of clear consciousness in action. Wow - it thrills me just writing that. And in efforts to enliven this in myself, inside, out and all about, I’ve largely learned from what hasn’t worked. I call it, The Back Hand Path. But learn I have and it’s in meeting uncertainty from doubt and fear that life has usually taught me best by punishing my choice. Ouch again!

Professionally, I’m working with a wonderful woman who was born with a strong, deep seated belief she was absolutely not safe in her life. In no way not at all. In her own journey of awakening - long story short: she once touched back into her fetus self, sometime while in utero, remember then the searing impression that’s been a near constant companion throughout her life. Not given to extreme behaviors, tastes or diversions, she has steadily explored her inner terrain, seeking to release this clinging, cloying undercurrent feeling of abject anxiety and apprehension.

However we come to face our pain, we all have to do this for~by~within~ourselves. This is  non-negotiable. Unless you do, there is no other way to fully achieve what each Soul came here for, a shot at mastery. The cheery, channeled messages via the new voices of the post New Age, speak of the great potential within all of us. All of which, amazingly enough, is totally true. And yet, you still gotta do the do of living your life, day in day out.

As best I can, I choose to show up conscious, actually when I immediately awaken to meet my day, Heart on. To this end, I’ve learned how essential my morning practice is and how necessary it is to consistently maintain by checking in, plugging in and aligning in within my Self first thing. Without doing this simple self-care practice, I feel at best like I’m breathing with half a lung.

Returning back to the importance of maintaining my personal Constitutionals (previous blogs will attest), I know I simply have to do the basic things first to ensure a smoother, more enjoyable day. The results are always a greater lightness or looseness in my motion and a softer energy step as well. As addressed in previous posts, for me Spirituality don’t mean a thing, unless it got that swing of joy all up in It.

As I write this, life is presenting me with a high level of uncertainty concerning my living situation. Needless to say, I know a change is in the works and yet, a clear path on is slow in presenting itself. Given the ambiguity of not knowing, yet having to find out pretty quick, sure adds an element of ???  however, here is where the fertile soil of conscious co-creation lives. As a simple twist of perception - it turns out an elevated aspect of fear is ... excitement, as is anticipation, as is expectancy, as is doubt danger doom and gloom. From this perspective, it really is a matter of choice, isn’t it?

I’ve learned whenever my head and personality run my life, by making the decisions that direct my actions, (always from a self-serving standpoint), the results are almost always complicated and less than preferable. Whenever I lead with need because I’m afraid my interests won’t get gratified, I send out a vibe that’s pushing forward to get my way. Always and only to get my needs met.

Whenever I’ve done this, the others I was engaging with were energetically pushed back on their heels, causing them to protect and hold themselves tighter. I’d know this because I always felt an immediate, gut-clinch grip in my own belly. (The curse and gift of an empath.) My Soul connection would quickly shut off and my intuition close down, restricting my overall presence and awareness. Instead of being in the moment, co-creating and trying to find resolution together, it subtly became me vs. them. In the past this wouldn’t bother me if only because I was mollified believing I was right and in charge. Some consolation.

As I’ve gotten farther along in this life, the small victories over others have lost their appeal. The singular sense of life being solely about I Me Mine has thankfully lessened appreciably. The dreaded malady so many people chronically suffer from - Meitis - has been ongoingly cleansed from my system. The place in me that has always looked out for number 1, MEEEEEEEE, the aspect of my personality that constantly felt there was never enough to reach my mouth, no longer tells me this is so. I refuse this lie to run my life.

Regardless of being the last of three boys growing up lowest in the preverbal pecking order, I felt I had to grab my food from the center of the table, believing unless I did, I’d be left hungry. This of course wasn’t true but belief systems aren’t always rooted in fact. They are interpretive entities, existing independently from actual reality, although inevitably, end up creating our lives from the inside out. 

This is where I choose to see the state of conscious awareness I am or am not in, in meeting each moment of my life. I either feel a lift in my Heartspace or a tug in my gut. In this way, my belly wisdom always tells me the truth.

The old parts of me rooted in fear and self-doubt have been the hard grist of the mill of my personal awakening. The very wounds that helped form my erroneous belief systems are the greatest doorways of my healing. They all hold the Blessings that allow me to face my self with an open and awakened Heart, shifting the life currents that, as always, are an intimate reflection of my state of self Love.  

The Awakened Sacred Masculine knows to grip first in fear to meet any moment, especially a challenging one, will always intensify the discomfort at hand. Not necessarily a hero am I, though I've seen enough feel-good movies to know the person who comes out the winner has had to face their darkness and still make the enlightened choice. Leading with need in fear will never allow this to happen.

... to be continued ...

PS I am offering my Heart Tantra session work here in the NY area for all those interested in experiencing and receiving world-class bodywork and Advanced Energy Healing. I also read The Akashic Records and as written previously, do Soul recovery work as well. Please consult my web site heartantra.com and The Attunement Session for more info on my services.

PPS If you felt moved, inspired, touched, supported, annoyed, or anything else after reading this post, please let me know. I really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s easy and only takes a minute.  Click on 'comments' or 'no comments' below. Also, if you feel inspired to share this with another, please do so!

Thank You

Surfing The Underworld - part 2

Perhaps a bit of clarification is called for … the term Underworld is ripe for misinterpretation and then some. It has different meanings for different people, however, I refer to it as a separate Spirit world unto itself, as real in it's reality as ours is to us. I want to be clear to convey the meaning here so as to build a bridge for you to follow across to where I travel in these inner explorations. In these recent inner journeys, I’ve witnessed vast realms of dominion, most commonly referred to as ‘Hell’ or the Hell Realms in many if not all, religious and cultural traditions.

 

I know I know, there’s so much weird conditioning around this concept, it’s easy to just switch off based on all the dogmatic and fear based indoctrinations many of us have had to endure in our earlier years. However, this being said – my experience is there are indeed incredible, nearly unlimited realities of consciousness that are extremely hellish in every imaginable way - and some you simply can’t. These are worlds created to do exactly what they do and profoundly enough, serve a higher purpose as well

No, they aren’t of the commonly depicted images, where red devils in horns and huge pitchforks are standing guard over the poor unfortunates who, sentenced to suffer for all eternity, toast away in the searing flames of retribution, all because they messed up so bad while alive. In fact, the whole perception of ‘being sentenced’ by an outer authority - like God - is totally incorrect, or rather the belief that another holds ultimate judgment over us, certainly is. 

Yes, there is ‘life review’ after we die, leave our body and pass over to the Spirit worlds. We do sit before a counsel of advisers, actually our higher team of Spiritual consultants if you will, that watch with us as we review our recent life. These Beings are always with us as a more evolved part of us, although have little direct influence as we go about our Earthly lives. They simply witness (as if that’s such a simple thing to do) and in colloquial terms, hold space as we go about our business of evolving in human form, moving along on our Spiritual journeys.

Whatever sentencing we receive is done by ourselves, our own Souls. We decide our next course of action, our next form of experience that serves our sense of what’s required or requested of us in our own evolutionary process Home. In short: we as Souls chose where we go next to fulfill our individual and collective destinies. No hand holds the reins over us and thereby determines our path. Only we do. 

That being said, if upon review, we deem our previous life’s choices and behaviors extreme enough (ie. painful to life – to ourselves or others), we can direct our next 'life' (with approval of our council of advisers) to be in places that admonish with relative to extreme severity and intention of purging us of our perceived misdoings. Yes, it sure looks a lot like punishment, because to be sure, some Souls feel they need drastic measures to scrub themselves clean.

And for some Souls, they really do. In the ever turning karmic wheel, balancing the endless emanations of cause and effect, our actions do have immediate and continued impact. What we do really does matter and touches others in ways we can hardly imagine. This goes especially so for ourselves – we are intimately impacted by how we act and in many ways, would be very surprised and perhaps shocked to know how we affect others.

In the moments after we look back upon our last life's Earth actions, we send our Souls onto the next experience we feel will clear our slate (if enough bad shit has taken place), allowing us to progress on our way. These Hell realm realities are places our conscious and unconscious collective has created to welcome us to our redemption or what we believe will help heal and deliver us to our ultimate liberation. These places are absolutely real, if only because we feel we need them to help transform us back to a closer fit of our Soul's original, pristine nature.

Get it? The Underworlds are self-imposed experiences we hope will help us work out our salvation, not as commonly believed, places we are sentenced to suffer, having been judged by a malevolent, rueful god. In this regard, we are always masters of our individual providence and largely end up where we decide to go. Just like in this Earth School classroom we call our lives. Just because we leave our bodies doesn't mean we stop being real.

To take up the story of how I was invited into these realms in the first place, all while sitting long hours on this last meditation retreat ~ where I was thereby instructed to locate my dead cousin Beth ~ I immediately noticed a guide had appeared by my side, requesting to take me to her as well as coach me in the ways of this unusual endeavor being asked of me. In effect, I was being tutored to work ongoingly in this capacity as a releaser and liberator of Souls, long held in these otherworldly and often isolated states of purgatory and perdition.

Very much like a virtual version in those sci-fi movies that take the viewer into deeper levels in the Earth, traveling into and through subterranean passages, passing through the various layers of planetary, substrata matter. Except these Underworld places are very to really, really funky. In fact, just plain nasty! Whatever you can possibly envision, it looks like this – after all, these realities are the product of our collective imaginations, long having been fed throughout history by countless individuals and their ancient cultural beliefs.

After setting our intention to go to my cousin and passing through various bizarre scenes too complicated to describe, we arrived at Beth’s side. What I saw was that she (actually her Soul though still contained in a human like image or form) was suspended vertically in a crystalline, glass or filament-like web of sorts. She was utterly quiet, held in a state of profound stillness. She wasn’t suffering, rather hovering in place in a completely insulated, isolated and protected state.

There was a slight glimmer of recognition between us, a tiny indication of my presence in her energy field … from my mind came the sentence: it’s now time to move on Beth, it’s time to come back Home … we didn’t speak or dialog as much as exchange impressions … when she responded - I’m not ready yet - I feel too sad~fragile~wounded~vulnerable … I looked to my side and my guide, nodding it’s head, indicating me to speak saying as before: it’s time to move on dear Heart and leave this place now … slowly she realized the implication of this, comprehending her time had indeed come to progress on, leaving this state of void-like nothingness behind … as soon as she accepted this, she was surrounded by her Spirit helpers. They in turn, brought her out of the suspended state, guiding her onto her next ‘station’ for her continued healing.

We were taken to what appeared like an infirmary, where she was placed in a healing pod or capsule of Light. She was surrounded in moving energy fluids that soothed her Spiritual tissues (describing all this gets a bit tricky …) beginning to draw out the deeply embedded pain long held within her. She lay horizontal, placed in a setting that was incredibly peaceful and serene, allowing her to reconfigure back into a state of wholeness once again. The wounding in her was considerable, especially in her yoni and Heart areas.

I was instructed just to observe and pay attention to the process of energetic rehabilitation underway. I was told I could come back to visit her from time to time, however, my work was complete and I could go on my way. After leaving Beth, I wanted to reconnect with my mother’s presence again and instantly, was by her side. When I looked into her fathomless eyes, I heard: you have to go see George now - he being her eldest brother and Beth’s father in her last life. My mother was very insistent in her request, so off my guide and I went ... 

I immediately thought - Wow - this is really getting interesting! My guide and I went into a very different environment, coming to a location that by no means felt anything like Beth’s previous web-like resting place. His situation was located in the very dark terminal zone for Souls who (felt they) really fucked up, big time. There was a thick, clinging loathful heaviness to this place that bespoke of horrific crimes against the very basic decency of humanity.

I found my uncle’s Spirit residing in honeycomb like cage, held in an enormous series of intertwining dwellings, all in successive rows upon rows … obviously a place where a lot of beings sought seclusion in their suffering and pain. It was like a reject cell block from Dante’s inferno, all seething with the undercurrent of immense regret, guilt and shame.

Upon locating his self-created domicile, I called into George saying: it’s time to leave this place; it’s time to move on now. The wail of his Spirit attesting to not having suffered enough was like opening a closed car left out in the Sun where 10 people inside had been farting for hours. It was a blast furnace of remorse, a wave of grief that was beyond breathtaking …

I realized just being present in my role of ally and guide, while resonating in compassion and benevolence shifted the energy of this hellish situation and allowed my uncle’s Spirit to begin the task of leaving his cell. As soon as he made the decision to release himself, he too was surrounded by guardian Spirits and taken to yet another station where he was incubated in a container or pod of Light.

Interestingly enough, he was held upright, vertical in position. There was a more serious quality to his reconfiguration and watched over with focused intent and purpose. I spoke with him, reassuring that all was well and he would be secluded here for a while … he understood the circumstances and humbly and sincerely thanked me.

How to frame any of this, I mean really? As I witnessed all this unfolding, I saw many things inside me or rather scenes I was present in - from very different settings in not only lands but times far distant and removed. Like watching a movie where I, the primary character was performing a unique task well trained and seasoned for, had agreed to step into and perform a service that I am asked to continue doing.

Tracing back to my studies with Osiris during my training in Sedona in '97, I believe my present life involvement with this particular archetype speaks of the importance of his significance and abilities relevant to my own. Having had a fair number of major life-shifts, strong shamanic style over the years, I’ve come to rest more and more in knowing in not knowing though believing, like the tarot’s Fool,                                        

as long as I trust ~

All

     Will

           Be

               Well 

I was asked if I would willingly continue this appointed service and readily agreed. I was then given the opportunity to identify anyone else in my life I would like to attend to and a very dear old friend from high school came to mind. Allan had been my best friend back then and a number of years later had killed himself, eating a 12 gauge, blowing his head off ... and that's a story for another time ~ 

... to be continued ...

PS I am offering my Heart Tantra session work here in the NY area for all those interested in experiencing and receiving world-class bodywork and Advanced Energy Healing. I also read The Akashic Records and as writen here, do Soul recovery work as well. Please consult my web site heartantra.com and The Attunement Session for more info on my services.

PPS If you felt moved, inspired, touched, supported, annoyed, or anything else after reading this post, please let me know. I really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s easy and only takes a minute.  Click on 'comments' or 'no comments' below. Also, if you feel inspired to share this with another, please do so!

Thank You!

Surfing The Underworld

Surfing the pathways of the Underworld is an acquired talent, if not a unique gift long developed in less than preferable circumstances. Let me explain: while on this last meditation retreat, sitting silently up to10 hours each day, among the subjects I chose to explore in efforts to clear and bring resolution to, was any and all relationship karma bags still holding any dark nugget gems for me. 

Like pockets in garments left locked in a forgotten closet, these cachets of ‘difficult experiences’ have contained parts of me I’d left behind, not able to attend and properly deal with when they occurred. During our Soul’s long journey through form and existence, in order for us to endure some of the horrific experiences we’ve lived through, we’ve had to splinter off parts of ourselves in order to survive.

In so doing, we’ve all left parts of ourselves by the wayside, often in very far off realities. We do this because the enormity of the overwhelm and often blinding traumas were so great, we couldn’t possibly integrate the experience into our psychic and emotional framework - and still keep a safe sense of self. Denial does have its benefits after all. Out of necessity, we employ this strategy to keep from imploding beyond repair and going hopelessly insane. For some of us, even this hasn’t worked very well.

Some weren’t able to do this or the overwhelm was too great to even separate and detach from. We just weren’t able to cut off the painful experience like the guy who sawed through his forearm while trapped alone in a hole on a hiking accident. Or the wild animal that chews off it's leg in a trap to keep from being captured and killed. Those urban dwellers of us often come across people who haven’t been able to make it back from some of these life traumas. We notice them out of the corner of our eyes living on the fringe, homeless on the street.

Never think you’re too far above them, you’ve very likely been there too. While on this retreat, deep in stillness and traveling in the inner realms, I asked to have any relationship I still had karmic leftovers with brought up to view. I asked to clear every single one I could, all in efforts to sweep clean my energetic landscape, once and for all. To go where Spirit is offering me passage requires I lighten my load as much possible. I’d venture to say this is so for all of us.

During one of these sessions, both my parent’s Souls clearly appeared, each patiently waiting for me to face them and essentially open their/our energy ‘package.’ I chose my mother first. She appeared to me as a teenager, in a likeness I’d never seen, she having had me much later in her mid-30’s. Of course, I asked how she was and how to proceed. See looked me Lovingly in the eyes and said in all sincerity, I had to go see Beth.

All families have their hidden, disturbing and painful histories. There are near countless experiences that form the matrix of our familial tapestries, both uplifting and a great many, not so. This is an understatement, to say the least. I remember not so long ago, when our collective awareness was first flooded with the wave of sexual abuse incidents becoming more publicly known.

Interesting enough, it became a social trend. In accordance with these Turning of The Ages, which insist upon bringing up all deception and duplicity previously hidden behind the veils of propriety and conformity, all coming out into plain view. Thus, all the political, financial, religious etc. etc. scandals being exposed on the international stage for all to see. About time too, wouldn’t you say? With many subjects held in strictest taboo - and rightfully so, incest still ranks near the top of the most heinous and atrocious of all.

In my journey of Awakening and the return approach Home, I’m finding every and all stones left unturned in my particular karmic minefield having to be turned over, observed, embraced and most often simply forgiven. Only then do they successfully dissolve and release from me. In my work with others, this has proven to be exceptionally supportive is assisting others in their passages to their own Promised Land.

I've also found, it’s also essential to gleam the jewels contained within each and every fortuitous and mishapful moment along the way – each experience has added to the treasure trove of my consciousness accrued. Nothing was for naught and no part of us can remain left behind. All experiences have great value and a prized place in our Soul's firmament. To turn away from our painful pasts means we're still trapped in them and can't Spiritually progress further. Speaking which ~ have you ever wondered who all you’ve ever been, along the circuitous way of your Soul’s growth? Haven’t you sometimes imagined what lives you’ve lived in getting here?

And are you sure you really want to know? Can your sense of self even handle the flip side of your karmic history? Of course, one of the obvious indicators from our pasts often to always appears in present life circumstances. We never have too far to look to see ourselves, especially these days. This being said ~ many years ago while in Sedona, I was initiated into The Awakening the Priest Process, an offshoot of The Awakening The Priestess Process. This revolutionary and evolutionary nine month gestation journey was developed by my then mentor, Nicole Christene, a most remarkable visionary shaman in her own right.

At the time, she was associated with The Fellowship of Isis and developed this Process loosely under the auspices of this Fellowship. As the name would indicate, there was a deep association and connection to Egyptian cosmology. As us seven men embarked on our own passages through this nearly year-long Process, we tapped into and called upon Isis’ counterpart, brother and husband partner, Osiris, to help guide our way. He being, as perhaps you may know, the Egyptian god of the Underworld.

Quick recap, long story short: his evil brother Set captured him, sliced and diced him into many pieces, scattering his remains all over Egypt. His Beloved, Isis, found all the bits (accept one) and reassembled him back together. To this end, Osiris is considered the god of death and rebirth and thus, the Underworld. Whew, talk about an abbreviated version of some seriously ancient mythology! 

Anyway, back to modern times, a la 1997 – during our Awakening The Priest (the Sacred Masculine) Process, we would call into the Osiris mysteries and ask to be escorted along our respective paths. It seemed like a good idea at the time and like the other men, I was following Nicole’s lead. As part of my ongoing training, she taught me many things, not the least of which is how to open Living or Sacred Ceremony for myself and others.

I took to this aspect willingly and enthusiastically. I was a natural, surly having done all this in previous lifetimes. It turns out I had, big time. Another blog will attest to these lifetimes spent in service of said Underworld, however, to keep this one moving along, I’ll return to the meditation hall of two weeks ago ... 

When my mother directed me to attend to dear Beth, a cousin who tragically committed suicide a number of years ago, I suspected my previous training would come into use. Dear Beth had been sexually abused as a child by her father, my mother’s eldest brother. This became known to me many years later from a comment made in passing by my mother. At the time, this wasn't a subject that got much air time in my family and was quickly swept under the carpet, filed away for later review. When Beth passed, I tuned into her and felt the enormity of her suffering and pain and realized as the saying goes, she was indeed in a much better place.

Some of us just can’t reconcile the horrors we’ve experienced and karmic implications aside, she (as do we all) did what she had to do. When I was instructed to go find her, a guide appeared at my side saying it would take me to her. However this may sound, I was getting all this information first hand, without provocation or fevered imagination at work. I was seeing all this as it appeared, in response to my desire to serve my family's freedom as best I could.

I knew I was being called to perform a service that I was well trained for. I gladly accepted the request of my mother and set off to find dear Beth.

… to be continued … part 2 to follow …

PS I am offering my Heart Tantra session work here in the NY area for all those interested in experiencing and receiving world-class bodywork and Advanced Energy Healing. Please consult my web site heartantra.com and The Attunement Session for more info on my services.

PPS If you felt moved, inspired, touched, supported, annoyed, or anything else after reading this post, please let me know. I really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s easy and only takes a minute.  Click on 'comments' or 'no comments' below. Also, if you feel inspired to share this with another, please do so!

Thank You!

Keeping The Overview

Amidst all the comings and goings, the doings of the busy activities in my life, I’ve learned to keep an occasional eye on the larger picture and overview perspectives of my life. It’s so easy getting caught up in the day to day events and loose contact with the deeper currents running under the surface and above the playing field. The outer world is always ready to take me for a quick ride into whatever shows up before me, distracting and whisking me away from this ever present moment.

 

After returning from this last 10 day, silent retreat, in retrospect I’ve recognize there’s more quiet between the notes now, more internal spaciousness that allows me to witness more and react less. I find myself watching what’s going on around me with greater detachment because this is what’s going on inside me. I’m spending more time observing the innumerable circumstances in my life from this open place, often from a slightly bemused point of view.

There really is so much to laugh at, especially with my self. This of course, applies similarly to most everyone else as well. Whether it’s ‘I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints’ or simply a preference, (how terribly long it’s taken to arrive to this) to lighten up and fly right, I find so many people, including us Spiritual ones, not looking like they’re having much fun at all. With themselves, their lives or with Spirit Itself. 

Why is this, I wonder? Personally speaking, I’ve gotten so wrapped up in’ being Spiritual’, I’ve often forgotten to enjoy the unfolding adventures of my life as they presented themselves along the way. I was so busy trying to become enlightened, I lost touch with being enlivened. I’ve done the dark, rueful lives with hair shirts worn to make me scratch myself bloody and the long years of monastic penance, believing it was more virtuous to suffer than to laugh and be in joy – that laughter was a sin against God! - and to earn His everlasting Love required I ongoingly cause myself pain. (And what sad ass man thought this one up?)

I’ve done the pious deprivation thing, which only caused me to take out my frustration and aggression on those I controlled, all in service to whatever religious institution I then belonged. My karmic history is rich with these flash backs where in my desire to not have any desire, I turned farther away from the sweet embrace of the Divine. Somehow it made sense to seek solace in the barren fields of retribution, ever waged against my humanness. This is surely where the horror of ‘original sin' came from. Know I always willfully turned away, never was I push from the Beloved’s Heart.

As an observation aside: to an extent, the fellow acting as retreat leader of the mediation course I just attended, reminded me of this part of me that has chosen to remain largely aloof if not unsympathetic with those I was teaching or mentoring along their paths. I never really felt his Heart so much as his understanding of the material. Which is great, though for me, the Heart is the material, the subject, the noun and verb, all in One.

Love is an action word, short for Loving. I suppose it’s a more bhakti thing, a devotional way of being in the world. It’s no better than any of the other arms of the Divine welcoming us back where It has always lived in us. In our Heartspace. Long ago my guidance told me God doesn’t want to be worshiped as much as worshiped in each other. We still look outside, always seeking to get closer to what resides within. For me, without joy, Spirituality is a sterile landscape indeed.

However, I've become extremely aware how the Spiritual pathways Home are as varied as each one of us and no one can definitively say what’s best for another. How can I judge someone from any place other than my mind? Regarding this meditation teacher, I get there needs to be appropriate boundaries in place to create the necessary distance for the information to translate and recognize that too much familiarity can prevent this energetic exchange from happening. As often the case, structure creates freedom. Ah, the Primal Principal of Paradox strikes again.

And yet, truth be told, I have an especially sharp eye for how authority is handled and how power is welded in the apparent service to Spiritual ideals. Let’s just say, I’ve also had those lifetimes where I was the ruler without a conscience, a leader who sought to break the will of not only those who opposed me but those who served me. I simply told myself I was doing God's will and used this as a convenient excuse to run my Shadow. Like all of us, I’ve had to learn that held in the closed fist of the ego, power always corrupts and contorts – as absolute power corrupts absolutely.

As a direct result of having run amuck, my attention is keen to razor sharp severe in recognizing when another is less than clear and clean in their own application of authority. Judgment aside, I’m well trained to see the misadventures of the distorted ego at work, usually always cutting a wide swath through other’s comfort zones. No, in no way did I observed this man being abusive or inappropriate, however, I never heard him utter the magic words of please or thank you in dealing with any of us.

Perhaps this is too fine a point to make and certainly not meant to be made at his expense. Love comes in infinite packages and presentations. I’m not foolish enough not to know the only thing that dances badly with another’s ego is my own. At the onset of the retreat, I asked to have all my resistances brought up and here they showed themselves clear for me to see. Humility knows there's always an equally valid flip side to each challenging and conflictual situation in life, especially in the ones we’re convinced we are right. Oh the learning curves my ego has had to limp through to begin to learn this infallible truth. In just about every instance, judgment sucks.

It’s all a matter of perspective, isn’t it? What’s up above us one day, is the very thing we stand on the next. In this regard, as I’ve been in NYC re-entry mode this past week, I’ve been extremely mindful first thing in the morning, to keep the stillness alive by making the necessary efforts to do my wake-up, check and plug in time diligently and consistently. I’ve learned the precious gift of awakening consciousness keeps shinning best when I attend to it each and every day by polishing it in the well spring of my attention and care.

The Awakened Sacred Masculine knows their lifeline always rests and resides in their own connection to the Divine within and around them. They know their Heartspace is the entryway and destination. They relentlessly attend to Source like their life depends on it. This is one of the obvious qualities of an enlightened being, they are only with God. The energy field of their presence is usually very quiet, clear, open and expansive with little else getting in the way. Transparency is always present. And this is what I first prayed for at 13, sitting at the feet of a guru, wanting to realize God in this life time.

Of all the journeys to take and end up attaining, for me, this one is the top prize. It just made sense. Yet over the years there’ve been a great many times I’d wished I’d asked for another ringer, one where I didn’t have to constantly face my shit (sorry Susanne) just to stay afloat. The more Light I kept calling in, the more of It’s opposite flushed into my life. Odd, that. As I’ve asked to see, I’ve had to own up to what caused me to close my eyes - and Heart - in the first place. Rarely has this been enjoyable, let me say.

And this folks, is the oft’ constant fallout, fodder and grist of the mill that irrevocably turns the gears of our personal transformation and quite impeccably if not masterfully, forces us to awaken at all costs. It just becomes too painful not to. It seems Awakening has its down side too. Eventually, you just run out of road - you can run but you can't hide forever.

Having been told from guidance I’d agreed to transform a fair bit extra this life, all in hopes of catching up to the front crest of the consciousness wave rolling through now, healing this load has made me much stronger yet wiser and lighter by letting go of what’s no longer mine nor who I now choose to be. The hallmark of these times is found in the knowingness that we are Spirit first and foremost and from here, for our individual and collective highest and greatest good, all things are possible. 

As each day unfolds now, I'm reminded the outer there is always an intimate reflection of the inner in here, inside me. It may not be mirror exact in every detail, however, I know the primary themes my Soul is putting before me consistently show up in everything that comes my way, especially in my exchanges with others. In this respect I’ve learned, God speaks most personally to me through my personal relationships. In many ways, this takes the guess work of our journeys. You just have to see how truly happy you are and those you interact with are with you.

As each dance step is a complete move unto itself, each move weaves into a larger pattern or tapestry, that in time accurately and intimately reflects the tenor of our overall consciousness. To be sure, the choices and decisions made each day determines the course and way our life progresses and evolves. Or not. Either way, both the immediate steps taken and the destinations they eventually reach, are equally important and likewise essential paying attention to as we go about living our lives.

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Occasionally during this recent retreat spent in long hours of silent meditation and prayer, I opened the Akashic Records, a process I learned a while ago. I asked to tune into a much larger, over-lighting perspective from my Soul's eyes to see the deeper currents moving me through my life now. The way this works is the downloads I receive are from the 55^th floor view, past/present/future, not the ground level one I’m standing on. It’s not a better view or perspective, only a farther reaching one. It’s always good to access the full extent of ourselves and then choose which one fits best.

I was shown many amazing things, all indicative of my Soul’s reflective glory of the Sacred I Am. I saw this is so for everyone ~ I saw how everything in my life has offered me the opportunity to evolve in the most gentle ways possible and woe’s been me, how I’ve not always made it so easy on myself in not doing so ~ I recognized had I followed my guidance way back in the day (even remember the ‘80’s?) I’d have saved myself so much struggle and hurt ~ I also saw, I needed to do it exactly as I did to get exactly where I’m at. 

Looking back, I wouldn’t give up an iota of the hellish all week benders if it meant having a drop less compassion acquired as a result. Hey, we all earn our lives and the smiles or frowns etched on our faces attest to this fact. We always wear our expressions of consciousness loud and clear, no matter how cleaver we imagine ourselves to be. Know the awakened Heart always see’s through bullshit faster than anything else and yet, it doesn’t end up resisting what offends. Unconditional Love is not unconditional like, however, Love always trumps the lesser emotions, every time.

It’s enormously easy to get seduced into the collective, mass unconsciousness, especially now when in the way back of everyone’s DNA, we know the endgame is in play and what’s been, can’t last much longer. With tornado's blowing every which way, inside and out in Oklahoma, everyone's asking 'what's next!?' Just imagine if you hadn't had the training it's taken for you to be where you are in your life now? A great many people are in this quandary ...

Near totally dulled we’ve globally become and yet, one of the attributes perhaps singular to humans is our capacity to come back from the most extreme predicaments and return to Grace.
On this note:

Now Is The Time

Here Is The Place &
We Are The One

… to be continued …

PS I am offering my Heart Tantra session work here in the NY area for all those interested in experiencing and receiving world-class bodywork and Advanced Energy Healing. Please consult my web site heartantra.com and The Attunement Session for more info on my services.

PPS If you felt moved, inspired, touched, supported, annoyed, or anything else after reading this post, please let me know. I really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s easy and only takes a minute.  Click on 'comments' or 'no comments' below. Also, if you feel inspired to share this with another, please do so!

Thank You!

Breathing To Expand

And the beat & breath goes on … I just recently returned from a 10 day, silent meditation retreat at the Vipassana Center in Shelburn, Ma. While living on Ibiza a couple of years ago, I’d heard of this practice from various friends who’d attended the Vipassana program while over in Europe. Everyone I spoke with raved (as peacefully as possible), attesting to the profoundly powerful benefits of this experience. As always, life brings to me exactly what I need most to evolve most consciously. In this respect, I intuitively knew I had to make the necessary effort and sign up to take part in this now.

 

When first told of this meditation course a number of weeks ago by my dear friend Mel, (taught via per-recorded audio and video feeds), I immediately knew it was time to take the plunge into prolonged silence and extended sit time, up to 10 hrs each day in formal meditation. It might sound like a lot, however after a bit, it becomes quite timeless and effortless. To be sure, living outside your mind has many wondrous benefits ...

This for me, in part, was the purpose of this extended exploration into the inner realms of my conscious (and unconscious) awareness. My intentions were to clear away the excessive mind chatter, to detox from Manhattan and above all, to go to the root of the roots of every and all things that have ever caused and created me pain, struggle and suffering in my self and my life.

In the perfection of how my life unfolds and the overall design of my Soul which I know orchestrates the potentials that consistently come my way, I saw the perfection before me as I signed up to attend the very next possible course - which didn’t have an opening until later in August. As fate and grace would have it, a slot became available for the May 1^st session and my application was accepted to attend.

Yes! The eyes of good fortune looked favorably and smiled upon me, allowing the doors to open and invite me in. There is a part of me that knows the monastic life really well, that remembers the lifetimes I was a monk tucked away following the ways of worship in isolation (and deprivation). I believe many of us can relate to this experience, hidden deep in our Spiritual DNA memories …

For me, it was very familiar and somehow comforting to be in this situation again, whereas all my material requirements were attended to and all my basic human needs (well, almost all) were taken care of by a most caring and considerate staff. I know this lifestyle deep in my bones and was comforted to be back in an all-inclusive, sanctuary experience once again.

There is likewise a part of me that easily sinks right into a disciplined routine and finds solace in the schedule of this retreat format, which among other delights, has the first wake up gong going off at 4:00. As in AM. I know, it sounds brutally early and unless you've had to get up for work, why in the world would you otherwise? Because it’s totally quiet is one good reason and said to be the time our Spiritual connections are clearest if not strongest to the Divine and most unfettered with worldly concerns clogging our Soul waves.

And I can attest, it’s true. The stillness and resulting expansiveness is awesome and the pathways into the deeper realms of my internal awareness always invited me to a Universe of limitlessness within. I loved it and took to the schedule like a bird to flight. I’d sit in the meditation hall from 4:30 to 6, then weather permitting, go out for a brief walk on the grounds before the first of two daily meals were served. Lunch was at 11:00. 

Along with our agreement upon entering to maintain ‘noble silence’ for 10 days, we were asked to stay within the course boundaries marked off on the Lovely, wooded property which housed the retreat. We were asked not to exercise or run on the land, always avert our eyes and not gesture with the other men in attendance. (Women were separated in their own quarters.) We were told to deposit our cell phones and all other assorted electronic members of our personal communication repertoire, ie, laptops and such, at the front check-in table, to be returned upon completion of the retreat.

We were requested to not bring any reading or writing material with us and in short, avail ourselves totally to the full immersement of the material presented – the Vipassana meditation method which was said to originate with the Buddha way back 2500 yrs ago. Although the world has massively changed in ways unimaginable since, this basic technique of stilling and getting present in the body, quieting the mind and going inside is still the granddaddy of them all.

The reason Vipassana has stayed around so long is because it really works. This is such a foundational practice which lays the solid groundwork for all other mediation disciplines to follow. Which of course, many there are. In that the world has dramatically evolved, (maybe not quite the word) since then, the Spiritual resources given to and developed by us humans has evolved along with. Good thing too because we’ve obviously needed the extra ammo to face the craziness we now live in.

Over the years, I’ve trained in and experienced many more dynamic, powerful and forceful ways to activate my Spiritual awareness, encourage my kundalini rising and deepen my connection to the Sacred in higher realms of consciousness, however, there’s always something to be said for the tried and true ways oto simply Be present, Here & Now. 

Anytime you disengage from the outside world, retreat inside cutting off verbal and normal communication with others, you’ll be forced to see the nonsense not only hiding under the surface behind the busyness of your life, but experience all that largely runs the show of who you think you are. It quickly becomes apparent in this setting, that one reason most people are so busy in their lives is to not have to see what is in fact, living beneath the radar and actually running your life. Oops but true!

All the common methods and means of numbing out our awareness fit this role. Too much TV or beer or drinks or chemical aids or distractions all around are time tested diversions preventing us from actually looking inside to see who we are and what we’re really about. This is nothing new for humans. Among all of us, men for instance, we've specialized in this approach to not have to actually feel our feelings and attend to the ongoing build up of our unprocessed emotional baggage, which of course, blocks us from becoming more aware and conscious of our Spiritual purpose in our lives - which prevents us from being truly happy, content and fulfilled.

This, however, is by no means gender specific. We all seek to involve ourselves with outside ‘stuff’ to not have to look too far beneath the surface of our selves. Our personality egos were not designed for this quality of clear introspection. In fact, just the opposite is true – all is better, if not well when we don’t look too directly under the wraps of who we think we are. When we do, like opening Pandora’s box, all hell can break lose when we lift the lid off our comfort zones, revealing the sticky and nasty stuff inside.

At least personally speaking this has been so … as the days progressed in my self imposed exile, I found the threads leading me deeper into my Self becoming stronger and ironically enough, the tethers holding me locked into my personality falling away with equal momentum. One of my primary intentions for this time-out was to unravel all the remaining cords holding me in patterns of ‘less than’ – of What I Am, who I came here to Be and what I came into this life to do.

So in this regard, I called in all available assistance to bring up all that has remained hidden from sight and still in whatever ways, directs the currents of my consciousness. In essence, I invited my Shadow to show itself in cold, plain view. Like calling out the gunslinger, alone onto the deserted street to face me once and for all, I asked to do this during the long hours sitting in eyes shut silence.

No, there were no guards preventing me from getting up and walking away. No penalties or detention time for leaving early, either from the mediation hall of the retreat itself (and there were a few guys who opted to bag it and vacate). No one was standing over me and grading my performance and yet, as well we know, opportunities come and they go, never to return just so. You gotta catch the wave when the sets come in or watch them pass you on by.

I saw how I’ve constantly created situations in life where I felt ‘put upon’ and blamed, creating endless struggle and opposition as a result ~ I saw how I made myself the’ bad guy’ so I could feel self-righteous and deserving of licking my wounds in isolation ~ I saw the ‘poor me’ calling out for help, not being able to give help to myself ~ I saw how I’ve never really been able to get over my self, believing I was always unseen, unappreciated and in some deep, fucked up ways, unloved and unlovable ~ I saw how I’ve kept myself small because to do otherwise, meant I had to evolve and give up the old storyline I’ve believed about myself all my life.

Let me say, I sure had my share of illusion to see my way through here. I’ve realized for a while how a fair amount of Keith was still standing in the wings, needing to significantly upgrade so the best of me can step confidently onto the stage of my life now. In this whole death/rebirth cycle we’re all in the midst of on the planet these days, I recognized that parts of me were way past due for renewal. Eventually I knew I had to face up to the elements in me that had invested lifetimes in not doing so.

And now is that time.

Coming back to NYC has shown me how valuable this time-away has been. There's less resistance in me, less that gets triggered and fussy during my day. The outside world and all it contains has remained a greater distance away, leaving me more relaxed and spacious inside. Believe me, this is a very good thing indeed.

... to be continued ...

PS I am offering my Heart Tantra session work here in the NY area for all those interested in experiencing and receiving world-class bodywork and Advanced Energy Healing. Please consult my web site heartantra.com and The Attunement Session for more info on my services.

PPS If you felt moved, inspired, touched, supported, annoyed, or anything else after reading this post, please let me know. I really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s easy and only takes a minute.  Click on 'comments' or 'no comments' below. Also, if you feel inspired to share this with another, please do so!

Thank You!

PPS For information on Vipassana Meditation, please view their web site at www.dhamma.org