The magnificent irony of my 'awakening process' is that the same commitment it took to move through my shit all those many years of climbing uphill with a pack on, is the exact same point of awareness it requires to remain present in the place I was intent on reaching in the first place. 'Getting' here demands I stay Here and remain rooted and fluid in the Now, over and over again. It never really changes after all.
The illusion is that we 'go' any where at all. More accurate is that we just peal away the accumulated layers of the built up overlays of what we are not, in time revealing the wondrously pure Essential Self we always have been and forever will remain ... however, when I first stepped out in '98 thinking I could carry the message of Awakening the Sacred Masculine to my brothers, I quickly found I had much more hidden Shadow storehouse to heal through than I could possibly imagine.
In fact, about 15 long years of trench work stood ahead of me to enable me to peek out of from the self created dark cave of my suffering. No, by no means has this decade plus all been drudgery and yet, as everyone who walks the path of Self discovery quickly realizes, the amount of work it takes to plow through our personal Shadowlands is why there are so few people on the planet who actually Love themselves unconditionally.
This I've come to believe is the final barometer for all of us in Earth School. After all is said and done, what is the quality of one's own Self and in my own face, self Love? Personally speaking, I came from the 'not good enough' School of Self Worth Issues. In this regard, the very aspects that motivated me on my own path of awakening have been the very things within me that have held me back. Ah, the ever perfection of paradox!
What motivated me to seek relief from my suffering by initiating with a Guru in 1972, teaching me how to meditate and what attracted me to Awakening The Sacred within me has paradoxically kept me from realizing I was already what I sought all along. Hey, I totally believe in the power and necessity of Spiritual discipline (needing every once of it to have gotten this far) and yet, do I really have to do years of abstinence or crawl around the mountain on my knees to earn my way into Heaven? At this point, I don't think so.
Again in the mysterious light of paradox, the most powerful of us are those who are most transparent, allowing the Light of the Beloved to shine through unblemished, pure and clear. The parts of me that thought I was so special to have awakened my Priest self and justified my ego personality's need to be recognized as a man of substance needed a whole lot more ass kicking to get humbled down to size. The Beloved doesn't play in the sandbox of our self importance.
There was simply no room with all my neediness to be recognized, validated, approved of and Loved by others - it was my always leading with need that continued to keep the door closed between 'me' and God. Instead of just resting in my Heartspace where I've learned to always meet It, I always sought the answers outside of my own internal connection having believed the lie I wasn't good or capable enough just as I was to either deserve or do so.
I was sure my being ordained a Priest in The Fellowship of Isis and Knighted in The Order Of Tara would finally convince myself I had 'arrived' once and for all. Not! The ever enveloping cloak of Spiritual ignorance, if not arrogance, is a real bitch to see out from under of. For me and all whom I've ever observed, it's quite impossible.
Speaking of which and time-line jumping way ahead - years later while still living in Sedona, I got involved with a Sacred Sexuality community there, having chosen to expand my knowledge and practice of working in this way. The main dude running the show had, from my seasoned perception, gotten totally seduced by the power of believing he was the power he professed to bring to the sessions he orchestrated with the women he brought into his bedroom for 'healing.'
I saw him as the sly satyr playing the unevolved and arrogant Gigolo Dick God, having fallen into the eternal trap of standing in front of the Juice, believing he was the Beloved's power Itself. For all us men with misuse and abuse of power issues (and who hasn't, ether sex included) taken this sure fire fall from Grace at least too many times, having to learn the beast of a lesson YOU GOTTA GIVE IT UP TO GET IT!
... to be continued ...
No comments:
Post a Comment