I grew up believing I was somehow always at fault. The third of three boys, I was born into a family that on the surface appeared way above average if not 'normal' in every way. But under the vernier of normalcy were the repressed and ignored behavior patterns my parents had long denied and covered up. In those days, there weren't the necessary tools to work through and actually heal these things and although they were both very intelligent people and did the best they could with what they had, it just wasn't enough.
It was, however, crazy making. Being born a natural empath, I intuitively knew the familial scenario I was living in wasn't the real one taking place. The palpable Shadow undercurrents, never mentioned or named became the ghosts and phantoms who lived along with us in the house of my youth.
As children so many of us surely feel - what the fk is wrong with this picture? It must be me! As our primary care givers who created us, thereby being gods to us, couldn't possible be as fked up as they appear. As cosmic beings, this all must make sense and yet as kids with tender, fragile and vulnerable psyches, it's way too much to consider.
Many years ago, I had a life regression where I was taken back into my mother's womb, 2nd trimester to be exact. I 'saw' how not only didn't my mother really want another child (me), wanting to get back to her professional life as a full-time college language professor, she desperately wanted a girl. Big time. With all her Heart.
Innately knowing I wasn't to be born female, I internalized her disappointment, blaming myself for letting her down, essentially for being what I was. Tough programming to come in with. I was also aware of the tilted and convoluted playing field I was about to be born onto. How the terrain felt ripe with blame, resentment, anger and frustration, through and through. There was an everyone for themselves quality and being the youngest player on the pitch and not knowing if I would have any allies to welcome me, I deeply questioned my choice to arrive into this family in the first place.
Like so many of us. I firmly believe we as Souls pick the circumstances of our Earth births to outpicture the lessons we are here to learn. Our parents, genders, cultural elements etc. are all part of the intrinsic design intended to show us where we are on our Soul's growth chart. Appearing to be a 'tough Love' approach to evolvement, as Souls, if we have issues or lessons to learn about poverty, we are born into just that. Poverty. Seems kinda harsh, doesn't?
I mean, you'd think in this instance you'd get a free pass go by being born into the lap of luxury to work through this particular imprint and yet, the only way to change a pattern is to be in it, smack dab in the middle of the muddle and then make a different decision ... you gotta be in it to change it.
No doubt us older Soul types have performed in just about every production imaginable, playing every role offered here in The Earth School Repertory (the definition of an 'Old Soul' - a slow learner) and at this point in my Soul's program, my sharp learning curve subjects of choice in part, were addiction from me marm and anger from my dad. Heartbreak, disappointment and unrequited Love also had prime billing in the lesson plan.
To take 100% responsibility here, again I believe my parents were simply displaying these all too human qualities for me to see if I really wanted to keep creating the results they/we had played out. In this respect, having accrued a degree of hard and well earned compassion along the way, I'm often amazed at how many or any of us make it into our teenage years having to face such hard taskmasters as our Souls. Who designed it like this anyway!?!
And believe you me, compared to so many, I totally know I had it easy. Looking around, I see how fortunate and Blessed I was to be given the advantages I've long taken for granted. For instance, like a body that works really well; with teeth, legs and all the necessary parts in place to give me a largely pain free life. I mean, what an unimaginable gift! As the saying goes: I stopped complaining I had no shoes when I met a child who had no legs. If I hadn't gained this quality of insight so far, way too bad for me!
Each and every one of us here has a program of study to comply with, to attend to and beholden to as well. After all, you just can't escape yourself. Thought most of us sure do try. I know I have.
... to be continued ...
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