Integrity Is Non-Negotiable

The purpose of The Awakening Sacred Masculine is to embody respect, honor and integrity once again. Whew, does that line carry some weight. When I first wrote that line in 2010, I was living on Ibiza off the Mediterranean coast of Spain living in a house of a dear friend who was off away on Bali for the Winter months. I had had the idea for the book Awakening The Sacred Masculine At The Turning Of The Ages for many years, though wasn't anywhere ready to sit down to actually write it. In truth, I still wasn't ready and it nearly drove me nuts. Seriously.

To put my name on a collection of short stories or poems or a cook book or novel was one thing perhaps no less defining, however to sign under the title of awakening the Sacred anything, has meant I had to actually embody what I was writing about - in reality, testifying to, proclaiming and saying I had become. And I hadn't yet and I was a far cry away from It at that. With such high minded intentions, I had hoped this information would begin to float me aloft, rising me high above my self by telling the world I had arrived at my lofty goal. Ha! what ambitious bullshit. Believe me imagine aside, it often looks better in a picture, reads better on the page and sounds much simpler than in real life. 

To this point, I recently had a significant change of events, a distinct shift of energies and just caught a very different wave that is now passing through my life. Venturing to say, most if not all of us single conscious types have spent more than a few intention setting moments asking, praying and intending to find another whom we can share our time, life and Love with. We just wanna hook up. However this happens - not often enough I'm sure, the pull to connect with another like minded, Hearted and physically compatible Being in a body, is an eternally bone deep drive in all of us.

Whether an expression of true Sacred Union or the Twin Flame meeting and merging with It's other, the Soul calling to complete the puzzle is perhaps our sincerest instinct we have to re-experience our wholeness out in creation. And as in many things in life, when the tides turn, it really floods and pours. In fact, this recently happened for me. A month or so back I had met a women at a Shamanic circle here In NYC. She and her friend sat next to me on an open mat, we exchanged pleasantries and got on with the event. After which, upon hearing she was a massage therapist,  I offered to exchange numbers in hopes of doing a session trade.

I let her number sit dormant in my phone directory until quite by chance, ran into her while in Central Park one evening. She was walking home from work, had seen me there and caught me eye. Needless to say, I was surprised if only because I often feel fairly invisible here and didn't expect to know anyone out and about. We chatted a bit, shared a tea and took a walk together. For me it was nice and easy, no shivers or big sparks to speak of and like I said, it was comfortable and quite honestly, a breath of fresh air to have a women seek me out in this way.

We again spoke of exchanging - actually I did, and made an appointment the following weekend to get together at her place for her to work on me. The session was Lovely if only because I hadn't been worked on in way too long and she was in fact, very good. Again, no real sparks or juicy moments in the touch zone. She was professional and appropriate in all ways. However in her work, I could feel a current of sincerity in her hands and how to say - a fertile desire to touch and I believe, be touched in return. It was nothing she said but to an empathic, words are so irrelevant anyway.

She is European and for this alone, different than many American women I know. Not an especially  flashy type, she held her space well, staying rather internal giving no signs she was interested in stepping to the next level of personal exchange. Like many American women I know, she works full time at her job, taking very seriously her business and apparently, does very well at it. These conscious, competent and independent women are often a marvel to behold - for many reasons - and that's a blog for another occasion ...

As a result of her body work, I will say I was reminded of what conscious touch can do and although not turned on so much as activated, I called her up and invited her for tea. Hey, you have to ask - no chance, no dance. It had been such a ridiculously long time since I'd had an exchange like this, I just knew I had to at least follow the trail to see were it found me. And in the clinch, gently it did. So to speak. Not immediately mind you, although the trajectory was quicker than I thought - maybe it's an European thing, I'm not sure. 

I must say, having lived in Europe for four yrs, there don't seem to be as many hoops a dude has to jump through to reach the promised land. (Ladies, you'll have to excuse my guyness here but here you have it.) As perhaps you can imagine, our time together has been a very sweet and dear. I believe for her as well ... and yet - as it rains, it drenches. 

For backstory: during the time between running into this women and again quite by chance at another Spiritual event here in town a couple of weeks ago, I met a women in passing (who was working at this recent gathering) who caught my eye as apparently, I did hers. She happened to be sitting next to a fellow I know who passed on my contact information. She contacted me, we spoke and SHAZAM there was instant recognition, instant familiarity and a quick affinity that certainly caught me by surprise. To say the least. 

We spoke so easily on the phone, like we'd know each other for years. Really 'interesting' (as she has come to say). Now this woman is a highly accomplished individual, has done constellations of work on herself and by no means is a light weight in any way possibly imaginable.

Over the phone over a number of hours of getting to know her, I needless to say, was very interested in meeting her face to face. It's not that we flirted so much or had wild faux phone sex, it was that I really felt like I already knew her. Uncanny, this. Well, we did meet for lunch last week and it was like constantly having to check myself, walking wanting to run, having to watch, wanting to touch. And if there's one thing I learned back in grade school, having broken a few Hearts (and a few times since), I simply can't walk through one door with one already opened. It's just too painful for all involved. In this respect, I've never been able to pull off the rouge cocksman very well. And this is from a guy who adored Errol Flynn growing up.

Meeting this women M caught me totally by surprise. I certainly wasn't expecting a double dip of attraction after being in a desert dearth of noladiesland for so long. But here it was, the bounty of simply feeling recognized and seen by two wonderful women in the same week ... doesn't it make you wonder, who designs these virtual life programs anyway!?!

I found myself as if straddling the dock and ship deck, with the boat drifting away from shore ... I had already touched into intimacy with one women and yet, felt an undeniable Soul attraction to Ms M. What to do?? Yes, I briefly fantasized of engaging with both radiants but alas, just ain't built this way. Thank God.

At this point, integrity really is non-negotiable. Like the quick pull on the band-aid, it's better to do it quick and clean instead of lingering in the inbetween. So the next time I was fortunate to spend time with M at an event she was promoting and invite me to, I told her I was previously involved. But just. It was like slapping a friend. And although she said she understood, I knew intuitively and with all due respect, it was a disappointment for her. In truth, she and I hadn't had the this-is-how-I-feel-about-you conversation and quite frankly, was rather surprised she was attracted to me in that 'special way'. She's a real catch, a dish, a hottie as we say and really didn't think I was her type.

After exchanging a few text messages over the following days (upon my initiation), we finally spoke on the phone last night and got to express in person what we felt. She was no happy camper, let me tell you. And yet, as angelic music to a former cad's ears, her telling me she sincerely respected me for my honestly touched me to the core. I believe this in part, is what this entire situation had to potentially offer me and all concerned - an opportunity to define myself as a man in a situation I've fucked up if only for once and too many times at that.

I thought back on the conversation the other evening when I fessed up and the heated one last night catching her rich 'displeasure' in all certain terms and a few not so and although none too comfortable was I, I knew without a shadow of a doubt, it was an immeasurably better conversation than the one I would eventually have had to have with both of these women had I gone down the well tread path so many men have blazed before me. To be caught again with my pants down is no longer a look that suits me. There's just no more time to act unconsciously and indiscriminately anymore, especially when it comes to another's precious Heart.

Awakening The Sacred Masculine often means redefining the rules of engagement, choosing to come from a higher place of honor and respect. If it comes down to it, I'd much rather loose M as a friend than hurt and offend her as a women.

... to be continued ...