It Always Eventually Sneaks Up On You

Whatever 'it' is, sooner or later, I have to face up to the very thing I've either been running away from or blindly running to. I can never escape the pull or push of that which is driving me on. Especially when it involves something I'm not willing to look too closely at. Damn, every time I get ambushed! My ego used to tell me it was never my fault but always my doing and even though I always tried to argue myself out of this dead end street, I've always had to find my way out again.

When the chips end up falling, it usually feels like such a surprise doesn't it - like, who knew!? I do and deep down inside, we all do too. This just showed itself to me late last night in a strange hotel room after arriving in Mexico with an older friend who although discussed a many number of times, finally fessed up to her alterior designs in arranging this trip in the first place. Please note: for me, this is so not about her, why she did or didn't act in a way that I would have preferred. She is a Lovely women and a very dear friend of mine. As with us all, to whatever degree we're choosing to be present and look at our stuff, is herself in the midst of this once in a Soul time, Turning Of The Ages. We can never escape the present moment.

As the proverbial Eye Of The Needle plays out now, you gotta let whatever go that has prevented you from passing through these gates of your Awakening. You ain't getting through this portal dragging the shit that has weighed you down. At least I can't and believe me, I've tried. So as this unfolded last night after a long travel day beginning for me at 3:00 AM, NYC time, unbeknownst to me upon arrival here, she and I were booked in a single room in a king size bed. The Honeymoon Suite. Oh really? I immediately went to reception and thankfully although nearly full, the hotel found a room with two double beds. Better but not great but hey, adapting is the order of the day. You can't flow if you don't let go.

Now I have a rather sensitive energy system and except for my new Beloved, the Divine Ms. M, totally prefer to sleep alone in a room. This is to say, I don't stop transmuting surrounding energy even when asleep. It's an inbred mechanism that is always in gear unless I consciously direct it otherwise - which isn't always so easy to do when I'm in Dreamtime. That being said, my traveling partner snores like a truck driver with a nasal condition just having eaten a cheese plate before retiring. Loud enough the keep the midnight mice in hiding.

I've been told I too snore (though I refuse to believe it), which makes for stereophonic surounda sound in these close quarters. Aside from this phenomena, what quickly showed it's nasty head last night was how hidden deep inside of her was the hope we would ride off into the Mexican Sunset together arm in arm, happily ever after. Like for eternity, which from my calculations, is a really looooong time. This has come up in conversation before and although we've spoken to it as fairly mature adults, that ol'sneaky shit don't so easily go slinking timidly away.

The deeper stuff never does. In my fatigue and frustration last night, I felt angry and betrayed ... like it was done to me - ha! Not so much that it was all her fault but rather that I had not only missed the obvious sighs but hadn't been really honest with myself and in turn, set my self up to feel trapped in her storyline plot to get her needs met.

I've learned - over and over again - although I can have disagreement with someone's behavior, I can't fault them for being Human. Hey, shit happens and for many of us, all too often.  I never have to look too far to see this play out in me and my life and yes, forgiveness is the ever present key to unlock the wellsprings of self Love to re-flow into the hidden recesses of my thankfully getting smaller pain body. 

As we went to sleep in this single room, me ear plugged to assure a somewhat quieter nights rest, I was visited by many old friends from my history, reenacting the scenarios from times gone past. My dreams were those of feeling caged in, held in a strong hold acting out the misuse and abuse of power dynamics we've all have come through to claim our ego-free Sacred power once again. Man, such rich lessons along this particular pathway of Awakening ... many very painful at that.

If uncertain about something in my life, I always ask before falling asleep to awaken with the answer present in my awareness. However this works, it always does. This is not to say, I like what I get, however, it's always right on the mark, no matter what. What I heard upon waking was not only forgive at all costs but was also directed to look at my own hidden agenda programs, of how I had willingly ignored the signs so I could arrange this trip to the land of my mother's ancestry and see in the 2012, December 21st who-knows-what turning of the Mayan calendar event. It sure made sense at the time - as of course, it always does.

That's the bitch of choosing to Awaken The Sacred Masculine within me, I'm never off the hook to actually show up for this myself, especially when it feels oh so inconvenient to do so. The bottom line is - when push comes to shove, I better be the one doing the shoving to Awaken because the option of letting the Universe do this for and to me is rarely enjoyable and usually painful as well.

When L awoke, I was sitting in meditation and after going out to get her preferred wake up coffee and toast to meet her day, suggested we have a mediation together and a follow up conversation to hopefully round out the unresolved argument from last night. After her shower, we sat for a bit and slowly began to speak to our feelings, thoughts and insights ... she fully owned her own part in this as I did mine. What resulted was the priceless moment when we could come together in our Divine Humanness, seeing our personality selves playing out what up until now, had never really worked very well before either ... in this regard, L really is a champion and very worthy of whatever friendship I can offer.

As the saying goes: it's not how many times you fall, it's how many times you get up that counts.
When it comes to relationship - in whatever form - the power and presence of trust (ever the necessary foundation) requires we keep building upon everything that has brought us to this moment. If we are nosebleed honest with ourselves and then with each other, the potential possibility is quite fabulous to behold and better yet, to experience first hand.

I owe L a great debt of gratitude for being my friend and so graciously going past her own entrenched walls to reach a much more awakened and enjoyable playing field. How this new paradigm way of relating will unfold with my very Dear Ms. M is a thrill of a lifetime and I wouldn't miss it for the world.

The irony in all this is, it's been in the close and dark trenches of my Shadow that I've had to learn to climb out from battling with my self, my world and either slaying or taking prisoners those that have cared for me just because I felt deep inside I wasn't worth Loving - always and ever reenforcing my old fucked up belief systems that alas, I wasn't Lovable after all ... the amazing simple truth to this whole alchemical Awakening process is, you actually have to be in the old pattern to then choose a new direction to finally find ourselves Home. Ain't Love grand!

... to be continued ...