Sometimes it's so important to keep coming back to the relationship table and 'working it out.' You know what I mean - doing the face to face, Heart to Heart deep sharing of feelings, thoughts, observations and insights - all to (hopefully) bring two people back closer together. It often takes this, doesn't it? Over the years, while in relationship with mostly conscious women, this approach has been the priceless and necessary training ground for my own learning and growth in this respect.
Along with the various counselors and encounter experiences I met and worked with, I was thankfully introduced to Marshall Rosenberg's Non Violent Communication process, sitting in on weekly meetings, getting my smarts in regards to learning how to speak, listen and actually hear what my partners were trying to say to me. I've certainly heard all too often - YOU'RE NOT HEARING ME! shouted across the room to my hardened, arm crossed and arrogant, cold self staring back at them.
Healing sometimes looks just this way. You have to keep coming back to the table, the no-exit exchange zone, where neither person can step away from the encounter until a (largely) Win-Win resolution is reached. There has to be a quality of both people feeling really heard, if not understood by their partner to proceed along together. Without this consistent coming back into the shared and safe Heartspace, the walls get taller and the distance farther apart. And doesn't this remind you of most of the relationships and marriages you've observed over your life? Hey, I had parents too and regrettably for me yes, it does.
And then again, healing sometimes has a very different tenor to the tune. As words are certainly a necessary bridge helping co-create connection and understanding once again, in this later case, sincere and authentic healing can come down to just two words - Good By. When enough is enough and all useable options have been explored, when you've worked the conscious communication program all the way through and still it's not fun being together, it's just time to leave.
There really is no shame in knowing it's time to split. Self awareness, self preservation and self respect are all in play and at stake here. If you don't value, own and honor your sense of self responsibility to get up, pack up and go, you're waiting to eventually do just this in a relationship yet to manifest in your life. The very best you can give another always follows and reflects that some Loving kindness you first give yourself.
The Awakened Sacred Masculine has come to the place within himself where his alignment with his Divinity is so strong, fluid and present, he sooner than later knows when to stay and when to go. This is not to say he doesn't have doubts and uncertainties along the way, yet his conscious connection with his Higher Self is so steadfast, the voice of his authority always comes from his Sacred knowing how to act for his greatest and highest good and of that of his partner. It may however, not always feel good at the time ...
I've recently encountered a stale mate within my self these past couple of days with my traveling partner here in Mexico. I immediately know this is really about me and not her - at least what's mine is mine - and I'm real clear the same applies to her ... how she in turn, chooses to meet this situation, is 100% her business. I have absolutely no problem owning my shit, regardless if another does the same - I'm in this thing called life to grow, evolve and prosper - hopefully in a gentle and beauty way. In this regard, how my dear friend handles this experience is her own opportunity to do this - or not.
I have no investment that she be any different in any way, shape or form. We're all free agents out here and big boys and girls as well. Do what you will. And yes, in these last few daze of this mighty pivotal year, 2012, following the last Full Moon leading into 2013, it seems to me an especially potent time to observe all my experiences and attend to what comes up, front and center in my world just now.
As I've come to witness the languaging I've spent years learning to use and the communication style I've developed for myself really doesn't appear to create connection with L, as I expressed to her yesterday, I feel to be at a loss here. And this is OK with me. I don't have to know the answers, although I do have to be willing to admit this and then simply let go of needing to know and then turn it over to the God I Am to work the details out.
Having such a rich and diversified history with dysfunctional behaviors myself, I well know when someone is being defensive when they immediately answer back in that oh so charged tone of voice - I'M NOT BEING DEFENSIVE. Talk about a loud and clear giveaway ... and when I've pointed this out, repeatedly many times and get back the hurt 12 yr old little girl voice sounding offended, misunderstood and abused, I know the pathways of potential connection are just not open and available. Because as long as we come from our wounded inner child - THEY ARE RUNNING OUR LIVES. Period.
There is no well enough adjusted adult in the house who can possibly navigate let alone negotiate a conscious settlement here as long as this core essential little self in in charge. When I keep hearing overly triggered reactions from my friend, I feel a bit hopeless. Unless two people can speak self responsibly there is no way conscious connection can be co-created. In my experience, it just don't happen.
Mind you, I hold nothing against her if only because it's taken me bloody years to learn whatever I've been fortunate enough to gleam along the way. Believe me, I've gone through enough crash and burns to know there is no other way to learn this stuff but ahead of time in practice settings so when I did land in the trenches, I had a prayer of a chance to do it differently.
It has also taken me years to learn to trust myself 100% in this respect and not automatically defer to another just because they're in their shit making it all about me. Like being 'compassionate' means I willingly abdicate my knowingness just to appease their wounded inner child who desperately needs my Love and validation because they themselves haven't first learned to give it to themselves. Not!
I won't play the stooge anymore for anyone.
I will however, whenever another comes to me from their sincere and open as possible Heart, wanting to reconcile our differences, in every and all cases, I will meet them Here ... and I will not drop down into their all too familiar pattern of running their pain body wondology on each other, all in hopes of healing ourselves (read: wounded inner children) through the Sacred container of our relationship.
No way no more.
... to be continued ...
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