The Step Back

Sometimes it’s just a good thing to do the step back. It provides another perspective to be seen and perhaps another point of view to emerge from the perceived chaos. It allows a breath of fresh air to blow between you and the thing that has you backed up. It’s healthy to give the situation room to be just whatever it is, without your personal feelings getting too much in the way. It gives one pause for thought and this can be a very good thing when rushing ahead often only compounds a touchy or difficult situation.

It’s like going on a cleansing fast, when you limit or stop your food intake in order to clean out your digestive system. It takes a near total shut down of incoming food to catalyze the internal purging process, whereas the body begins digesting what all remains sedentary in your system. You have to stop feeding yourself to initiate a deeper healing response within yourself.

I have his going on in my relationship dance with my girlfriend. Bless her Heart, as always, this really has nothing to do with her. I never ask her to change to fit my picture or meet my needs or even requests. I always say, Mel UBU. Over the years, I’ve found to ask another to change is usually tricky business, especially when it comes to checking a strong willed, largely self-reliant woman. As an aside, I believe a good part of that self reliance came from being disappointed earlier in her life. I can only imagine the choice born from being let down too many times. As perhaps do we all, I certainly have my own memories of this

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For me, having had such poor role models to go by (ah, parents), I’ve - up until now - steered my relationship course in a totally reactive willy nilly, fucked up fashion. I always let the boat lead itself with me and my girlfriends held captive to my unconscious behavior patterns sitting snug in the captain’s seat. It’s been like questing forth on a treasure hunt wasted on Quaaludes (I’m dating myself here), where the foot prints go in all directions all over the place, never getting to the higher ground where the treasure is found.

I used to feel lost and alone in my search, wondering if I would ever make it to the promised land of conscious relationship. For much of my life, I hadn’t been able to say or even pronounce these words, ‘Conscious Relationship’. And it’s in times like now, I know why. Does it sometimes seem just too much to handle, deal with or even make sense of? Am I alone here, standing without a clear sense of direction on this vast internal landscape of my emotions? I wonder... and know I’m not the lone statistic standing.

What this last little tift between me and my Ms Mel has brought up is a sudden reminder of how difficult simple communication can sometimes be between two people. In my elevated sense of things, I would venture to say, fairly awakened people but in truth, who truly knows. I’ve known simple country folk living in the backwoods of N. Carolina without a lick of consciousness training who’ve been happily married for over 50 yrs. They haven’t ever head of Non Violent Communication or Chakras or the secrets of the Mayas. They just knew how to get along.

It’s in times like these I begin questioning what I’m doing here, in my life in NYC, in this relationship, everything. I know I’m sitting too close to this experience (really a matter of a simple misunderstanding and not knowing the rules or signs posted alerting me when to stay or go and what not to do ... I tell you, some of us guys need a check list to keep this all straight). However, don’t be fooled. The surface disturbance only belies a deeper current deeper within the works, in her and myself. In any case, my sudden decision to pull back and step away because of our recent disagreement, a choice motivated from hitting an old familiar wall of breakdown, has caught my attention, spot on.

This is the first time in our relatively new relationship where there have been hurt feelings and a strong reaction (by both of us) that had some sparks flying. Not nuclear fallout mind you, though enough fireworks for me to begin questioning our dance together. Or more to the point, the way I’m doing it anyway. And does this not bring up plenty of juicy memories, dripping dirty from days gone by. I wasn’t the poster boy of Male Dysfunctional Behaviors but I sure could have provided a few grunts and guffaws from the audience at the convention held to honor him.

Let me say, all these flash backs have taken their darting turn on the runway during this retro and introspective life review. And a motley crew they certainly are. Like all feelings bubbling up from my emotional netherlands, I thought they were all tucked safely away, slumbering peacefully or resolved for eternity. Guess again. This is why relationship is called the ultimate guru. If you are able to face the music with your partner, the parade of stars hidden down low can really take your breath away. And not necessarily in a good way either. More like the remaining air is sucked out of the room, leaving you gasping, wanting a reprieve or infusion of sanity to spell the moment.

On this morning, it all leaves me looking at the same ol same ol’ – the feeling of just not having the required relationship chip set into my hard drive. Am I really am too busted to find a fit, never mind finding the cure to fix my emotional circuit board? I think not, however here I get reminded of what disillusionment feels like, a long standing companion of mine. I thought he too was quietly resting away inside. It’s been a while my old friend.

To come all the way Home, you have to bring all of you along. No one stays left forgotten. Like the Marines, you don’t leave your own behind. Eventually, hopefully sooner than later, the veils part and if honest, you get to see only the puppets playing the parts, not the puppet master – you - who has surely forgotten that you really do have control over what you think and therefore feel. You command your consciousness, consciously or not.

I know this is all easy to say, whether merely Spiritual jargon with pithy sayings and catchy concepts, it’s still accurate and true. The Awakened Sacred Masculine gets off the merry-go-round when it becomes too shaky and wobbly, catches his breath and slows down the motion within himself. To get his balance, he disengages from the outer spins and this is always a good thing. In times like this, I have to  pull back inside my Soul stream to align with my Higher Self's presence and wisdom. To keep looking to Mel or this relationship to save me from my hurt feelings is nuts. I have to reconnect to my own Essence any and every way I possibly can.

In this moment, I don't have much of a clue as to where this relationship stands. From my perspective, there's been no big rip in our relationship container, no break too far apart to come back together again. And yet, who knows. No matter what, the only real action is happening inside of me. Here is where all the pieces fit or don't. I have to do the mending for myself now and as always, it's my choice how I attend to this.

This recent experience has shown me that she and I have very different ways of processing our feelings and communicating with each other, although not a deal breaker just so, it's given us each pause for thought ... this can open up to even greater expanses of possibilities or can spell the slow crawl to withdrawal. Either way, I will remain present in my open and empowered Heartspace.

...to be continued ...

I work with people who are hitting up against the emotional breakdown wall, whether in relationship or within your self. Your behavior patterns and beliefs can be changed, upgraded and shifted to better support you now. You can heal and you can prosper. I can help you do this.

For more information on my work, please view my web site at heartantra.com or contact me directly at heartantra@yahoo.com

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