It sounded like 'co-defendant' and almost as legally bonding in a court of relationship. Either way, it felt like a long term sentence handed down by a magistrate who kept seeing the same case over and over again, regardless of the couple, day or year. Every partnership I ever knew fit into this bag, my parents included or maybe especially. If children always end up doing what we're shown, not what we're taught or told, what hope do any of us have to ever get this right? Who indeed.
I can't say for anyone else how they happened to pull off a positive, conscious and mutually self-empowering relationship but in my personal experience, it often appeared like the bull-in-the-china-shop approach - after destroying everything else, the lone remaining article must be the one. For me, evolution has always had this quality - I've learned to do what I want to do from having done things I never want to do again. In this way, it's an ongoing process of elimination or perhaps Darwinian Spiritual selection, whoever is left standing, is the winner.
Goodness knows, there are nearly limitless ways to fuck up a good thing between two people. Real life being much stranger than fiction, I'm sure there are some I haven't yet heard, however, I certainly had my fall back supply of ways to bring about a sure end to a Love affair. Don't we all. And yet, if you hang around long enough, keeping the consciousness dream alive by actually doing your self healing work, Blessing of Blessings, you may just find yourself getting what you really want.
It's been said, Relationship is the ultimate guru. Whatever shit you think you've got together will surly be blown apart when you toss another into the mix. Like a Cuisinart of consciousness (or is it largely unconsciousness?), the blender gets pretty clogged up - again - if you're not really careful and relentlessly aware of your own, well ... shit. On one hand can I count the couples I've ever met who seemed to actually remain in Love long after the heat of the hunt, catch and bedroom bloom has worn off.
Doesn't it always start off good? with promise, potential and many juicy possibilities yet to unfold ... if we just behave - and not get in the way. Sticky-wicket, that. Eventually, all of our selves show up for the banquet and after a pass or three at the buffet table, the offerings soon begin to look pretty ragged. A very dear old astrologer friend once told me it was her life long experience that within the first 6 mos of meeting, a couple will eventually wake up next to each other and begin to wonder - who is this person anyway and do I really want to be here next to them?
When the fantasy has worn off, the makeup smudged the morning after, is the person revealed underneath really the one I want to be with after all? ... we've all asked this question, probably a lot sooner than 6 mos in. Being an intuitive type, I could tell within the first days if not hours whether the woman I was currently with and I would keep doing the do, so to speak. I thought I had an inbred fail-switch really to go off, just waiting for the first sign of mishap to short circuit, saving me from yet another dud or dead-end relationship. In fact, I did. It was called fear if intimacy.
Into me I see. Whenever the heat of the moment got too much, I would usually run. Or better yet, blame them for 'making me go.' Sound familiar anyone? No, I didn't think so. Ha! My exit strategy wasn't very complicated nor my schemes so elaborate, I would just get lost in the back alleys of my pain body, usually going into my unfulfillment spiel, making them wrong and feeling justified to bolt out the door. I made a long career out of making others feel bad - except I always ended up alone.
Anyone had an searing insight (always after the fall), when you sincerely prayed and wished to get another chance to make another happy? I have. A number of times. The tricky piece for me was, of course, first being happy with myself. Damn! It always comes down to this, doesn't it? I just can't seem to out run myself, no matter how many times I try. I can run but I just couldn't hide - from my self. Rats!
I had one of those Dark Nights of The Soul passages a couple of years back (lasting nearly 2 yrs), where I could hardly ever leave the room I was in, agoraphobia I believe. A very tight and dark space with all the mirrors therein reflecting how broken apart I was. Again I prayed to be given another shot at the title ... actually, I prayed to even want to be in another relationship fearing no one in their right mind or Heart would want one so utterly fucked up as I was.
At the time, I was told I had another 'Soul mate' out in the world waiting for me. I certainly didn't believe this knowing I was in no way, shape of form remotely resembling relationship material. Like the old Groucho Marx line about not wanting to be a member of a country club who would allow people like him to join (a priceless quip made after he was turned down membership), who would I possible want to be with who would be attracted to me?
And yet, miracle of miracles, a great many awakening out of the abyss miles later, she showed up. Quite by surprise, fresh out of the blue. Now, this woman isn't perfect. She can get (as she says) a bit 'cranky' when pressured or squeezed. She's used to being largely on her own, since childhood leaving home at 16, knowing no one was going to support her, she has carried her weight and her bags ever since. She is a remarkable lady who don't take shit off anybody.
This is one of the by-products of being independent and mostly to always self-reliant. You don't bank on anyone being there for you and in her case, didn't need a man around and when one was, he fell into a supporting role because that's all that was available for him. The guys - and she - became co-dependent together. She would lead wondering and wanting him to show up and he, used to always seeking validation, approval and Love from strong females, never knew his job was to wear the balls. Because her father left home when she was a child, she trusted that other men would always do the same. And in time, she was sure they did.
This is not to say it's meant to be the old role playing, 1800's style - though the irony in all this is, somewhere in the relationship soup we've all come to live in, the simple values haven't ever really changed. No, the little lady isn't always locked in the kitchen with he being the sole bread winner coming home expecting a chilled martini handed him but if there's one thing I've heard ad nasium from women over the years - is when are the men finally going to show up!?!
When are they going to step up and stand beside us is what I've been asked ... and me having been a prime example of the still-seeking-to-find-myself kinda guy, couldn't come up with a new answer. Until now. Meeting the Divine Ms Mel turned the heat up in me and raised the stakes for me. I knew I'd been given my chance if not for redemption perhaps resurrection and saw the new reflection shinning in the pool of possibility not so very far out of reach.
I've learned interdependence has a higher vibration than independence. However to get to one you have to go through the other. A man has to actualize himself first in his independence before he graduates up the scale. Whether this is his masculinity or manhood expressed, I can't say. With any number of definitions associated with either of these terms, I wouldn't say for another man what this means, although I will say, if he doesn't know what this feels like for himself, his lady certainly will. I tell you, they can just feel it.
They know when they feel safe and when they don't. They know when they can rely on us and when they can't. It's been embedded in their emotional DNA for centuries with all too much of the later being proven correct. The memories are too deep and disappointing to easily disregard. And why would they anyway? The Goddess is now on the loose and it's up to us men to find the Gods we are and begin living from this place to keep pace. The paradox in all this is, by being solid, smooth, fluid and strong in our masculinity, separate and apart from the outer feminine (though integrated with this aspect within ourselves), women can come to rest in us - and believe in us, hopefully once and for all.
I had to evolve to a place in my life where I believed I would never have the relationship I'd so long wished for. I eventually came to realize that a women wasn't going to come along and save me (from myself) and rescue me from the man I couldn't help being. I knew I had to cut loose from seeking mommy if I was ever going to find my woman. I believe a lot of men keep looking for this comfort never having reparented themselves adequately enough. In this respect, we have to provide our own emotional tit.
No, I can't say how this dance will play out with dear Mel. I wouldn't even try to guess ... although I can say, for the first time in my life, I know I have not only all the necessary tools intact but the willingness and clarity to use them. I've spent all the years if not life times alone, proving to myself I don't want to keep this pattern up and running me forever.
In the few short months together, I've had to employ some of the jewels and nuggets of conscious relationship skills accrued over many failed go-rounds. In these moments of potential break down, I've instantly returned to my little room, remembering what it felt like to look back with regret, hoping I'd get another chance to do this right in the future. Hey guys, the future is now. When you find The Beloved looking you in the eyes, you better hope you already came to Love Her inside yourself first.
If I can, so can you.
... to be continued ...
I work with men, women and couples who keep ending up alone. I help remind those who have forgotten how to Love themselves how they can. I Am able to remove the emotional blocks and transform the old belief systems that keep you isolated, angry and afraid. The doors to intimacy can be opened and the pathways cleared for you to create what you most want.
For more information on my work, please view my web site at heartantra.com or contact me directly at heartantra@yahoo.com
PS If you felt moved, inspired, touched, supported, annoyed, or anything else after reading this post, please let me know. I really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s easy and only takes a minute. Click on 'comments' or 'no comments' below.
Thank You.
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