Hard On The The Flip Side

What goes up must come down. Physics, science and Isaac Newton all tell us it's a law of the Universe that a motion is followed by its inverse or opposite. Life is a lot this way. Relationship too. As night follows day, the patterns of energy and interaction between two people can sometimes seem like the waves on every seashore on Earth. One comes in followed by its compliment, the same in reverse going out. It’s the basic energy signature of the Universe seen in how light and sound travel along, all playing out in the endless myriad ways Spirit manifests in form.

Have you ever noticed that there's a rhythm or timing to things where one extreme is always followed by one of its opposite nature. I’ve come to count on this. Over and over in life I've witnessed this pattern. If nothing else, it’s taught me to loosen up on the reins of where I think my life is going and to turn it over to Spirit whenever I feel whelmed by circumstances. This always changes how it feels in me. Even the not too heavy stuff gets the ‘let go’ treatment; it all gets too heavy when I start trippin’ over it.

The Awakened Sacred Masculine looks inside to see where the outer action is touching an inner part in an uncomfortable way and immediately takes ownership of his feelings, finding resolution just by being present in them. However whoever wherever whenever a breakdown takes place, taking a step back is usually a really good thing. I know the value of taking a time out from a situation that triggers, shocks or upsets me. When off balance, it’s best to regroup the troops. Continuing to charge and go toe to toe is rarely an effective strategy in conflict resolution. People’s feelings get hurt.

This past weekend I experienced an impasse of sorts with my girlfriend Mel. She, amidst her own life process, requested space from me. Nothing personal. She said she needed time alone to pass through a place that required all her attention. Not life or death mind you but up front and center to be sure. The journey each of us takes into and through a challenging situation is particular and unique. It’s our own behavioral wave in emotional motion. The water recedes, pulling back from shore and for some of us, the undertow is as strong and powerful as the incoming wave. I am learning to respect this quality in her.

For nearly all of my life I have drawn a line in the sand between me and the woman I was with. Not consciously, it was already there within me that I’d carried for as long as I can remember. I had the locked trip switch that couldn’t wouldn’t didn’t allow another too close when I felt too raw. Call it the Protecto Defendo Device. It’s only job was to keep me safe from more harm. It also kept me from deeper intimacy but hey, you can't have everything. I understand how this works and respect Mel for her need to retreat to safe ground and yet …

I have my feeling too and as a result of our exchange, they feel unsettled and unsure. No, they don’t run me – largely because I’ve learned to listen and attend to them, creating resolution within myself. This in fact, prevents them from running and ruining my life. Believe me, it’s literally taken years to learn this one. I, once the recipient of a straight to the Heart observation from a teacher of mine – that my wounded inner child was running my life – stopped me cold in my tracks. It was a lightning bolt of pure irrefutable truth that I had no defense for because it was so right on the mark. 

At the time, I was speechless while I caught my emotional breath – it having been knocked out of me for a long moment. Time and grade, having passed these many years since that bomb began refiguring my life’s landscape, has made me more savvy and aware in the ways of dealing with ‘challenging situations.’ After a deep breath or ten, I’ve learned to not ask the outer or other to change as much as me shift within myself first. This is a biggie, numero uno life tip deluxe for anyone looking to Awaken anytime soon.

Although not the common learned response, it is most effective in pivoting and allowing the quickest chill out time possible. It’s also way easier and less hassle than asking, hoping/expecting and being disappointed when the other doesn’t or can’t pivot themselves. I’ve learned to keep it all in-house, if possible. Ultimately, where the other goes is not my one-way ticket to follow and this has allowed me to find freedom when before, I was stuck in the trunk for a long trip away.

In this weekend’s exchange, I saw that I don’t like to feel excluded or on the other side of the line drawn in the sand. Oops, I took it personal. Although very emotionally flexible in many areas, this one is not of them. I know my limitations in this respect. Having been raised by a very wonderful mother in most ways, her being an alcoholic balanced the scale. And as with every single human who's ever lived, the twist and turns of childhood often determine the way our lives unfold and eventually turn out. Many people never get past them.

Regrettable as it may be for the woman I’m with, their sudden change of mood to a less enjoyed one tends to catch me off balance. Especially if they don't express what's going on at the time and their insistence is strong and charged enough to need to stay on the other side of the line. Her choice to remain there instead of sharing the experience with me is another ??? In light of this, I find being in conscious partnership isn't so much about me getting my needs met above all else as meeting the relationship's needs - which of course, are met only after we first meet our own. As she is doing now.

I’ve also learned emotions and feelings are not rational. They are neither right or wrong, good or bad. They just are. They can’t be fixed or properly arranged just so. To deal with them first takes being with them. I’m sure this is what Mel is doing for herself, taking care of her own needs.

Again, I get this loud and clear. I too am this way although have learned through trial and much error the importance of including my partner in on my personal process. This usually makes them feel included and for some odd reason, often makes them happy. (As an aside: I've come to believe my emotional body is more feminine than hers and hers more masculine than mine. Interesting, huh?)

I know it takes time to get to know someone and perhaps even more time (if even you want) to learn how  play along with them. I also know above all else, not to sweat the small stuff and get stuck on insignificant shit. What a waste of everything. I know to stay present with what’s going on in, with and around me. I know to express myself in an appropriate manner at the appropriate time. I’ve learned I may not get heard or listened to or even acknowledged for my feelings. And I’m OK with this, it's just not very user friendly for me at this point in my life.

In this respect, I’m over doing relationship from a distance, sharing intimacy only when it’s comfortable or convenient. I don’t advocate in your face to face all the time either, that too gets intense, drama filled and then boring. I just don't like feeling shut out is all and yes, I know this is my thing. I never said I was perfect.

I simply don’t know if I want to learn how to pull back and away given the circumstances or if she and I can even find a fit in our individual and collective patterns, rubbing up against each other as they are. It's not her fault, mine either; it just is and a too recent reminder of how different she and I are. This isn't necessarily a bad or unusual thing, however, when this becomes more the focus between two people, how they don't match up, it tends to be a downward slide from then out.

When you start questioning, you start hesitating, when you start hesitating you start negotiating and then end up calculating ... and this is not Loving at all. 

I believe it's not the fall down that matters most rather the come back to that counts. 

How we can if or want to do this, is up for grabs.  

Time will tell.

.. to be continued ...