Recent events have brought to my attention how I show up in
intimate relationships. Or rather, an intimate relationship with a Lovely woman
I recently met here in NYC, the Divine Ms Mel. This realization came suddenly
when a little blip showed up on our emotional body radar screens. Nothing heavy
duty mind you; no tears spilled or doors slammed in anger or disgust … been
there done that, thank you very much. It hurt too much then and I refuse to go
back down to that funky place ever again.
It was a simple communication misunderstanding when my Ms Mel
wanted private space alone, away from me. She needed to process an experience
that required her to pull back into herself and go inside, all to create a sanctuary of sorts
so she could better understand what now to do. The experience she was sitting
with had nothing specifically to do with me or us as a new couple. She just
needed space. Hey, me too – I can sincerely relate having the same tendency
myself.
.
Whether it’s ‘cave retreat time’ or what, it doesn’t much
matter. We all need to get away by ourselves when the time is ripe to do so.
Unless you schedule this in as need arises, the spin off, fall out can be very nasty
to be around. Just ask some of my old friends … well, you could if they still
were my friends, that is. Emotional upheavals and reactive outbursts really aren’t
so user friendly, after all. Oh, what I’ve learned in the aftermaths of relationships
gone by by.
One of the jewels I’ve come to value in this respect is – you have to inform others of what’s what
– hopefully before you take a powder and go missing for a while. Friends tend
to like being notified before the storm hits. It gives them time to prepare,
stock up on essentials like compassion, empathy and even simple understanding.
All of these items are found in your nearby relationship section of your shared
Heartspace store.
You’d think we’d all know these things but alas, I was
absent when it was forgotten to be taught either at home or anywhere else I had
to attend as a kid. And isn’t this just so fucked up! Of all the information I
was fed as a lad, sequestered in public schools and a pricey preparatory high
school, somehow the really essential How To Excel In Life topics were omitted
from my/our education. Go figure.
Most if not all of what I learned while trying to grow up, I got
from watching others do their thing. Which I’ve come to know, wasn’t the best
way to get my smarts on. It did, however, teach me what I didn’t want to do and
although an inverse/reverse approach to effective learning, I sure got the
lessons good, first hand. My father used to always tell me – you may not learn
this from me but life will sure teach you plenty well. And he was right.
Especially in the realm of conscious relationship.
Although he was an accomplished Harvard Ph.D. psychologist, very
top of his class, I would bet my nuts he never ever used that term, Conscious Relationship. I don’t think
they’d even invented it way back in the day, at least not his. No worries. I
sure know it now having been dragged to numerous counseling sessions, Non
Violent Communication classes and encounter groups, all by awakening women I
was with at the time. Having lived in Sedona for over 10yrs gave me plenty of opportunities
to tap into all sorts of higher consciousness experiences, let me say. At the time
I moved there in 1996 to attend The School of Energy Mastery, almost everyone
knew more than I did.
There, nearly everyone is a channel or Spirit guide or teacher
of esoteric knowledge, so I never lacked other people telling what I should do
to improve myself. I tell you, it got exhausting. And yet, you’d be surprised
how remedial most all of us are,(regardless if you can talk to Pluto) in the
ways of intimate relationship. This is a most special course of study that no
space 'person' can instill in you. You gotta get this one in the trenches. And
you know you’ve gotten it when you no longer keep ending up there.
From the old reactive habit tapes, long embedded into our cellular
hard drives, we emerge into the Light of not making such a mess of things. Hey,
it’s a trial and error thing. Like making pancakes, the first few often get
burned to toast. In this regard, I’ve learned to do what works from having done
what never did. Now I get to do it all over again with Mel. Believe me, I’ve
waited all my life for the opportunity to do this right.
I’ve come to know I always get to see what I learned (or
didn’t) in previous relationships by how I am in the present one. This can
sometimes be a bit scary when, like having been absent in Life School the day the
super secret formula was handed out, I find myself standing in front of the class
looking all too stupid, feeling clueless and lost. I have to admit, I spent a
lot of time with chalk in hand, praying for the information to suddenly drop
into my head. And it never did. I later found out the secret was in studying beforehand.
Like now. After many crash and burns, I know to ALWAYS
listen to my Heart, to ALWAYS check in with my Higher Self and Soul stream
awareness to get the essential clues to resolution in any given situation. When in doubt, don’t think!
Your mind can never figure out the
solution to a problem it created. No can do. It’s just not equipped to give
information it can’t personally access. It’s great on getting lost in the past
or projecting into the future, however, being a foreign agent in the land of
The Present Moment, it has to confer with its Source to get the answers.
As written in recent blogs, a whole wave of realizations
have come flooding in as a result of Mel’s and my little wrinkle. Life is often
this way. It seems, to get our attention, we have to get tweaked just a bit. In previous times, the wake up call often seemed to come in the form of a 2X4 upside my head ... and so
it’s been for me. As with any All Star athlete or musician or dancer, you have
to consistently train in the fundamentals, over and over and over again. You have to get back to your basics to keep
your swing, your chops or your leg extension. To become and remain excellent,
you need to keep coming back to what got you there. The basics.
Fred Astaire caledl the rehearsal hall 'the bloody floor’
because to make it all look effortless, you have to train till you bleed. Ironic,
that. We’ve all been through painful Heartbreaks, some over and over again. However
eventually, if you don’t kill yourself first, you will learn the requisite
lessons and heal from the suffering you yourself create in your life. Goodness
knows, I’ve had enough of these to earn the right not to keep putting me and my
partners through this ever again.
This doesn’t mean I won’t be disappointed or hurt or filled
with despair at the passing of a Loved one or Love affair. It just means I don’t
get stuck and remain there for very long. My joy stabilized room at The
Heartbreak Hotel now belongs to someone else. I’ve had to learn how to forgive, others and myself. I’ve had to learn to be grateful for everything that happens to me, no matter what. I've had to remember to keep returning to my Spiritual basics by tuning
into my Higher Self by going into my Soul stream to get, not so much the
answers, rather the relief from my deep longing and suffering. As has been so since
time immemorial, the way to feel whole is to go to where you are whole. Only
your Spirit knows this place, after all.
This time apart has reminded me of this essential fact. It
has given me pause from my thoughts. And this is a very good thing. I've reestablished my commitment to my constitutionals - the handful of core activities that keep me healthy and sane - like a steady mediation practice, morning, daily and at night. I'm back swimming in the pool which is pure temple time for me. I'm refocusing on getting my work out here that got sidetracked cuz I've been so loopy in Love. Simply put, I've returned to being me with myself instead of focusing on being me with Mel.
... to be continued ...
Learning how to heal the old wounds hidden deep inside, the ones that get activated and aggravated when Love goes wrong is a basic Spiritual lesson - one you will have to get before you arrive on your journey Home. There is no Heartbreak in Heaven. I can help you do this.
For more information on my work, please view my web site at heartantra.com or contact me directly at heartantra@yahoo.com
Thank You.
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