What Have You Learned, Brother O’Mine?

Today's blog is a reprint of a letter I recently sent my middle brother on the eve of his visit with our eldest one. He'll be spending the next 2 weeks living on ranch land, quiet in northern AZ, taking the Sun - he lives in Portland, so I figure after he’s done the morning chores and my brother and wife have gone to work, he’s going to have some time on his hands to answer me .... 
 

Hello L,

I hope and trust this note finds you happy and well on this day ~
I know you're getting ready to head off to AZ, which I'm really happy about and had a thought to ask you a few koan-like questions to ponder while you're away ...

Simply put; what have you learned as a result of the occasionally challenging dips in your life - what have these experiences taught you?

As a man
As a brother
As a father
As a potential mate/partner?

In passing, I was surprised to hear (pleasantly so), that you've taken up yoga and tai chi.
Really good for you and yet, I want to ask, why didn't you think to share this with me when I've called?

Yes, I reach out to check in on you to see how you're doing, it's very important for me to do so, however as important, it's also to give you an opportunity to reach back out and express your progress to one of your two blood brothers, moi, who sincerely cares for you.

I don't ask this to prove a point at your expense, certainly not to cast judgment, just to inquire to find out - what has your suffering taught you if not to help you choose to always repay the Blessing, to give back the love - however whenever wherever you possibly can?

This is not an ultimatum, nor do I need you to reply in kind if you don't choose. I love you regardless and yet, as surly you've learned from your previous relationships, there's not an endless supply of good-will-expressed - you too will have to send to ball back over the net to keep playing along ... As always - your choice.

Have a wonderful trip and if you would, please give our brother a BIG HUG AND KISS for me. Thank You!

Have fun, travel safe and 

Do Be Smooth ~
 

Sincerely, 

Keith

It continues to amaze me but the full time, present in the moment quality of Awakening my Sacred still catches me by surprise. As I call this into my life, my consciousness, it has to flow outwards as well. Consciousness expands, it’s that simple. Love does too. Being of my blood, I have a very special relationship with by brother. Though similar in some ways, yet very different, our lives have taken distinctly unique paths. We don’t live near by and don’t really share so much in common but we always remain deeply connected, down to the bone. 

The challenges of his life have in some ways, closely mirrored my own. After all, we came from the same gene pool, the same parents, the same biological goo … and with all siblings as such, we inevitably end up interpreting our parents, our conditioning and our pasts conspicuously with our own touch, all by ourselves. Which is why I believe, surly we must all wonder - how did we get dropped into the families we actually did?! It is a mystery, to be sure.

L and I have a long history. All of our lives in fact, with all the backstory any two brothers accumulate over time. We were once super close, hanging out constantly when we were little kids - until my attention and admiration switched to our eldest brother, E. It began a distorted and painful dance that up until recently, affected the very feelings in the blood between us. As in bad blood and as most know, that’s always way too close for comfort.

His way of dealing with his disappointment was to beat me up. Not viciously but my face ground into the snow certainly left an impression. As an empath, the physical act or misdeed is often the least of it. I could feel his pain and bone deep resentment expressing itself in anger towards me, his little brother and closest friend. Over the years, I saw this pattern play out numerous times, specifically with his wives as well as on me. I observed how the gut-jerk reaction, acting-out in aggression was so fucked up, because over and over again, it always pushed his loved ones away. A lot.

What has been most difficult, however - his behaviors clearly reflected my own. Though not identical or externally violent - I internalized it more - my largely unconscious strategies in my relationship life have gotten heavily in the way of my and my ex-partner’s harmony and happiness. My anger was more self-directed and ingested, believing on a Soul level (this is a real doozy), that in order to be loveable/loved by God (it’s a long story), I had to punish myself to become more worthy of It’s love. Talk about a fucked up strategy to get my needs met. I too pushed my loved ones away, always reenacting my erroneous self-beliefs, recreating the exact, self-same results as well.

Perhaps like him, I have felt the utter hopelessness of not being able to be any different than I was, like I was broken inside and fundamentally flawed. I know this despair all the way to my Soul. I really do. Funny but a definition of an old Soul is a slow learner and my God, it’s taken so long to get here. The place I’m talking about is where I've found myself at various times in my life - where I had to look inside to see and finally own how I've created all the suffering in my life, all the trauma/drama I’ve experienced.

To be able to directly face what I call my Shadow, has taken the very best of me and many years of falling and getting back up in doing so. It's the curse of this Blessing, of choosing to Awaken my Sacred Masculine. I've had to face my suffering in order to transform it. In this I've learned: To the amount I've been able to hold my pain, is the extent I've been able to heal it.

When I spoke to L before he left on his visit, explaining my intentions for making this koan request, I shared the question – what have you learned bro – and is it safe to say that unless you actually have, has everything along the way just been a waste of time, I wonder. I eagerly await his response.

Thank You & Love To Us All ~

PS I invite you to share these posts with anyone you feel would benefit and if you feel inspired, to write your feedback insights through the ‘Comment’ key on this blog. Also, please check out my work, Heart Tantra - The Attunement Session - on my web site heartantra.com. I offer in-person sessions here in the NYC area and absentee or long-distance work if you don't. Always Blessings On Your Way!