Hit The Ball Back Over The Net, Boys ~

There are some sports you can easily play alone, like golf, swimming or just going for a run. You don’t require anyone else to do these activities with and this is a good thing. Who wants to always depend on another to get their kicks, athletically speaking? And yet, there are other games you really do need a partner or team mates to complete the field and balance the sides. In life, relationship is like this. You need a willing partner to compliment and round out the equation, to create a symmetry where the ball you send over the net is likely to be returned. If not, what’s the point of playing or in this case, relating?

You know the line: It takes two to tango … or the Zen, back hand equivalent: What does one hand clapping sound like? (Answer – nothing!) As anyone will tell you who’s quested into the fairly new and uncharted territory of conscious communication – it’s often difficult to reach an understanding, especially during a misunderstanding, with someone who hasn’t got the skill set or inclination to communicate in this simple way. Unless there’s a willingness, you’re very likely wasting your time. You might as well be speaking to a manikin or your deaf dog. It can be so frustrating trying to find a common connection with someone when none can be co-creatively found.

Unless two people share a common language with a similar way of speaking this language and perhaps most important of all, a desire to do so, you might as well be speaking babble-on. Not with you but to and at you it often goes. And to be sure, doesn’t this feel shitty? I remember it well. Like a lot of us, I grew up in a fairly dysfunctional household where the notion of speaking sincerely with each other, Heart to Heart, was a totally foreign and alien concept. The reality of intimately sharing this way, was regrettably, impossible. As often the case, this deprivation only motivated me to find new ways to experience the feeling of speaking with another, without a defensive need to impress, unload or vent.

Typical for me, it was while in relationship with fairly aware women (meaning: I was fairly unaware), I first heard the term ‘conscious communication.’ It was only because of the breakdowns my ex-partners and I eventually ended up in that I was strongly advised, check that – ultimatedly insisted upon – that not only must we go to couple counseling but I needed to attend a Non-Violent Communication class too. Or else. 

Even though my ego was none too glad to heed this ‘request’ - I intuitively felt it would do me worlds of good. I somehow sensed I’d run out of road and emptied my carnival chest of excuses. I really sucked at speaking responsively and was even worse at listening competently. I believe Spirit speaks most personally through our personal relationships and I knew I’d just received a direct invitation to evolve. Or else. Either we take the hint in life or we get left behind. Again.

Ego aside, I’ve always had an ability to hear when sense was being spoken and there was a noticeably huge nugget of truth wrapped up in our heated arguments. Like a Soul light suddenly going off, it was clear I really did need to go to these conscious communication classes. At first, it felt like being court-ordered to attend an AA meeting for the chronically unconscious, communicationally impaired. 

However, during my very first class upon hearing what ‘active listening’ was all about, I knew I’d been given the primer tool in getting me started. This retelling tool alone seemed to open huge expanses of receptivity and emotional safety I’d never known possible. I became amazed, (though not especially proficient) at trying out this new skill with my partner. It was miraculous. It’s like we became friends again and the disagreements between us quickly melted away.

The trick of course, is utilizing and employing this jewel when the crunch is on, the fur flying and tempers and vocals are hot. It’s only in the present moment, at the time of emotional impact you can catch yourself from saying or doing the same ol’ hurtful thing. It’s also the only time possible you can act with personal power and consciously effect your reality, breath by breath. Only in the here & now do we direct our lives to go the way it always does. Life doesn’t happen ‘to us’ by chance, without our consent and intimate participation. Whether we consciously create our lives or unconsciously, reactively do so, we are creating it, no matter what. Although speaking and relating are so fundamentally basic to our human condition, doing it with graceful awareness isn’t so natural or common at all.

My proven theory is that for many of us men, we only began to awaken after being left too many times - that it’s been the Goddess moving through the women in our lives that has forced us to grow up and evolve, personally and Spiritually. I believe the vacuum left upon their leaving has purposefully catalyzed us to get on with our own emotional development. This is not to say these women didn’t have their own Life School stuff as well, only that they were further along the learning curve than most of us were.  

And here’s where it really gets interesting: These men have indeed learned to communicate better with their female counterparts. We have begun listening and speaking with an open Heart, sharing from a more vulnerable and sincere place than ever before. We have become more conscious in these ways and yet, as I’ve especially found here in NYC, men haven’t evolved nearly enough to do this as readily or comfortably with each other, with other men.  

I believe for this to finally happen, we’ll have to become even more comfortable, comforting and compassionate with our own emotional vulnerability, with our perceived shortcomings, mistakes and insecurities. We’ll have to learn to hold our inner pain and relentless self-judgment, softly in loving kindness - just like we’ve been instructed to hold and embrace our lovers. Can you imagine a world were men can do his? Ultimately, we will need to transform our Shadows to become free of our resistance to other men.

We’ll have to love ourselves even more before we can come together in brotherhood. I can’t speak for anyone else but my recent experience is that we aren’t so good at returning the social grace let alone, emails or phone calls. Why is this, I’ve often wondered?! What is it in a man that locks down in an almost defiant disregard for common courtesy (which of course, isn’t so) and just can’t hit the damn ball back over the net? Having heard so many women complain over the years and lament over this same thing, it appears I’ve been wickedly bit as well.

Case in point: a fellow attending my Awakening The Sacred Masculine in NYC meetup group came to the first meeting with a sincere willingness to share his rather Heartbreaking relationship history. Really moving. He attested to the fact that his inability to communicate receptively with his wives very likely resulted in severe and tragic outcomes, deeply affecting all their lives. 

He spoke of being aware that had he known how to communicate more consciously, the situations most likely would have been very different. I was touched by his desire to be seen and commended him on this and found it surprising and refreshing to hear a man speak and own this so candidly. Truthfully, I was encouraged to witness a brother reveal himself so quickly upon first meeting. From my experience, this is extremely rare and told him so with admiration and respect in my eyes.

… to be continued …

Thank You &

Love To Us All ~

PS I invite you to share these posts with anyone you feel would benefit and if you feel inspired, to write your feedback insights through the ‘Comment’ key on this blog. Also, please check out my work, Heart Tantra - The Attunement Session - on my web site heartantra.com. I offer in-person sessions here in the NYC area and absentee or long-distance work if you don't. Always Blessings On Your Way!