Odd how this often works. Whether while in relationship or simply having to release something of personal importance, I find that when it appears like that something of importance may be going its own way, it's always best to just let it go. I've learned over the years, for instance when I misplace an object of value, as soon as I've looked in it's normal resting places and still can't find it - knowing it has to be somewhere - I immediately give up looking asking for Grace to bring it back.
And more often than not, sooner than later, the lost thing eventually does show up. It's a lot less direct perhaps although the same principle applies when it comes to relationship. As previously mentioned, I recently began seeing a Lovely woman, the Divine Ms Mel. Quite interestingly enough, our newly blooming relationship has gone through a number of very distinct phases since we hooked up, like episodes or chapters, all having very different qualities and characteristics to each.
In that we met each other just over 8 weeks ago, it's been a very unique situation to have traveled through a number of very different neighborhoods thus far. In this respect, it gives me the notion this may be an ongoing quality to our time together. Just last week after me being passed out, limp dog like on her coach the first week or so of this new year, she herself took a turn for the coach with the same fluish symptoms, laying her low as well.
How unusual that she too should go into her recluse cave ... and like me, she pulled in her communication systems and just holed up quietly unto herself. Except with her in her down time, unlike when we were hanging out together during my recuperation, we were separate and apart with me staying at a friend's place uptown. Not only did she feel the need to withdraw and attend to her own healing process (as with me, one who very rarely goes flat), she needed some space apart from us as well. With all new couples, the huge downloads, exchanges and interactions in the first intense bit of time together, often need ample time to in turn, absorb and integrate.
Maybe it's like the eternal in breath - out breath, one always follows the other and each are necessary to breathe correctly. Neither of us have been in relationship for a while and the suddenness and speed by which things have developed between us has caught us both by surprise. To be sure, it's been a thrill (ah, young Love) and a bit unnerving too. I mean, neither of us are newbe's to the ways of Love and as such, rather set in our preferred ways. I of course would never call her this but I indeed am an old dog in this regard.
As well we all know, it takes practice (a lot!) to do this dance of relationship successfully - meaning Love, fun and joy are the qualities exchanged and experienced more often than not. If not, what's the point? To this point, I came to a juncture in the road a number of years back - that if being with a woman meant working out our respective trauma/drama shit on each other, always washed in the container of the relationship, them I was done for life. Really. I refuse to play in the way of the world whereas I kept using the context of relationship to heals the wounds of my inner child and address the woundology of my own pain body.
If it meant never being with another woman again, then so be it. Having a long and rich history in codependent dysfunction, I knew I had to make a symbolic and actual break in the chain if I was ever going to have a chance to meet and develop a positive and healthy relationship with a woman. Hey, you gotta take a stand somewhere. And so it's been these past 5 or so years, not so often lonely by myself, rather alone with my self.
Over this time I've had a number of Lovely exchanges with women I've met, although never fault to them, it just didn't seem to click just so ... until I met Mel. Again, no reflection whatsoever of these friends I met and yet for me, Mel is the total package. This is the full Chakra experience I've been calling in, where the many and different levels, elements and aspects of my self/Self all come into play with her. It really is quite a marvel and in all the ways I recognize, it feels like a once in a life or rather, Soul time Love.
From her point of view, almost immediately, she recognized it as a 'Twin Flame' Love. I myself, perhaps more world weary if not jaded, withheld calling it such. However as time moves on, I find myself aligning more and more in this. Much against popular sentiment, this whole Twin Flame business is not so cushy-cushy, feel good after all. It may be only if both people - said to share the same original Soul body, split in equal half's upon entry into 3D form, are conscious let alone clear enough to stand the intensity of reuniting once again.
Twin Flames are therefore perfect mirrors of each other - although different in the life experience particulars, they reflect the other in frequency polarity. 100%. The honeymoon phase can be extremely magnetic and intense, with the coming back together of Divine Soul Love igniting in your lives. Sounds great, doesn't it? And yet, with the combustive intensity of this, unless both people are fairly balanced, aligned and aware - if not Awakened, the magnetic attraction can easily turn into a repelling dynamic force with equal intensity.
In this regard, the unhealed aspects of each come dramatically to the surface, blasting face to face with that mirrored in the other. This my friends is no fun at all. In fact, it feels like a virus exploding inside with a separate entity needing to get out from inside your skin. Ouch! Like driving a beast of a race car, the slightest mistaken turn of the wheel sends you shooting way off the track ... there is absolutely no room for casual or unconscious behavior or action. As with the bigger they come, the harder they fall - the greater the juice, the larger the consequences.
This all showed up in me the week Mel was in hibernation. The voices within of old abandonment issues spoke loud and clear. The aspects of my inner child that missed the Loving connection we'd anchored in together felt surprised to have been cut off so suddenly - all reminiscent of times past when similar situations had happened. And yet, this felt very different. I intuitively knew this playing field demanded I pay really close attention to the voices inside and be especially diligent as to whom I listened to and what I did with what I heard. In short: do I stay or do I go?
There had been no break between us, no incident that would have forced either of us to draw the line in the sand. We just came upon a situation for the first time and in truth, hadn't developed the communication patterns or agreements to inform the other as to what we needed for ourselves at the time. I didn't know what she was up to and she didn't think to let me in on her process having been alone with and by herself for a number of years as well. We just didn't know.
In retrospect, it was the perfect opportunity for each of us to see ourselves clearly and the patterns we now chose to engage and empower within ourselves in our lives. And with each other. I have found a definite quality of 2013 is even more to the point: It All Matters! There are no wasted moments of indiscriminate or unconscious behaviors that go by unnoticed or uncounted. Especially in the Twin Flame context, it all counts exponentially. I knew how I played in the moment of feeling my feelings of confusion and subtle disappointment would in turn, determine how she responded or reacted as well.
Goodness knows, she as all women have experienced men going off on them for 'letting then down' and with this jewel of a lady, I knew I didn't have the room to react in this way. I also realized within myself that the stakes were such that this situation would define me and my present level of awareness, relationship-wise. It was a precious doorway vignette that would create either positive or not so enjoyable outcomes with her but else wise for me in it's wake.
Personally speaking, it was a crossroad moment that had huge implications written all over it. For this reason alone, I knew to simply let it go and not be seduced into falling into the comfort of convenience by trying to box it up and figure it out. As with letting the bird go to see if it returns on it's own, then knowing it wants if not actually belongs with me, I chose to fall into my deep sense of Trust to carry me through. The Sacred Masculine always looks first and foremost at their own thoughts, intentions and behaviors to determine the quality of his experience. What others do is their business. What we do is our own and this alone is own primary responsibility in life. As we are clear and clean here, we can rest in knowing we did our very best and let it go a that.
... to be continued ...
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