Along with what I’ve read about this Twin Flame reconnection, I’ve come to believe in some ways it must be like being trapped in a phone booth with your self. Sounds like lots of fun? I don’t think so! The whole button pushing rub is taken to an even higher level. It’s been said that the fires of transformation grow in intensity and magnitude as does the potential for wondrous growth and Self realization. I’m sure it must be magnificent. However, because the alchemical heat is so turned up, you have to be even more conscious and aware of what’s at stake.
It will bring up all your shit. Count on it.
In this respect, this dance has certainly fit the bill. For me, trying to find
a compatible rhythm with Ms Mel has been fairly crazy-making. And no, this really is not her fault. She however, in all her
feminine glory, has been very difficult to find harmony with on a day to day level.
Going through her own mid-life crossroads meltdown (across the board, aren’t we
all?), she has requested and requires time to herself – and her other personal
activities, to find her balance. To a degree, as do I.
Believe me, I get this, loud and
clear. And yet, one of the time tested sayings I’ve come to embrace is: I only
want to play with those who want to play with me – and know how. Is it
selfish of me to want to be wanted as much as I want her? I don’t think
so. I used to make myself wrong for having feelings other's didn’t agree
with or approve of. I used to kowtow to gain their validation and approval. No
longer.
Then again, in the viewfinder of
Awakening, every and all things, experiences and people in our lives are
valuable opportunities to see where we are, how we show up and how we deal with
all that’s revealed. For me, feeling put off and left out has indeed brought up
some very old and funky patterns to feel, observe and snorkel through. Ouch.
I, (or in the parlance of what some
would term ‘psycho babble’), my inner child has felt none too happy with the
‘parked until the weekend’ treatment by her. To keep having her insist we spend
time together only on the weekend, always on her timeline – dare I say, calling
the terms of our connection, just doesn’t feel good to me. In fact, not at all.
Touching in closer into this aspect of myself, my little Keithie no longer
feels safe with her.
As a result of this fall out, the
underbelly of my Shadow has shown itself, loud and clear. I have felt needy,
frustrated, disappointed and at times, angry. I have had bouts of feeling
resentful and disconnected and as always, this has made me suffer, not her.
Like the saying goes … when seeking revenge, you better dig two graves, one for
them and one for yourself. I am the one who has to feel these feelings, not
her. So I have to ask myself, all in efforts to become more Awake, why do I
let my self dig into these places, opening the wounds in my hard scrabble
Shadowlands? Why do I keep choosing to strip mine my emotional body – for what?
Last Friday night, after not seeing
her since the previous Monday, she calls suddenly saying she’s on her way out
of town for the weekend, (having made plans to get together earlier in the day),
I feel into a rare late night, red wine sojourn, indulging in feeling sorry for
myself. I texted her expressing my disappointment and anger, which of course,
only pushed her away.
I went into a dark place I haven’t
been in for years. Waking up lonely and hung over, I was forced to look hard at
the wounds still present inside of me. I had to get up front and close with the
emotional patterns that still run deep within. These are my reactive feelings
showing me where I need to continue becoming more conscious and clear.
Paradoxically so, the brighter the light, the darker the shadow … This in part,
I have to believe, is why I created this situation in my life in the first
place, to look even closer at my shit.
What this experience delivered me to
was seeing what my relationship values, patterns and beliefs are and knowing
above all else, I have to take even more responsibility for my thoughts, feelings
and actions. As a turn of the famous Joe Louis line: I can’t run and I can’t hide. I know enough to recognize the
priceless gift in all this and yes, I thank her for it. It has brought me to yet
another choice point in my evolution – I either own the deep sadness, grief and
sense of separation or I keep recreating this same scenario over and over
again.
Adding to this mélange mess, I’ve
sincerely missed making Love with her. This we did exceptionally well. I
believe this Spiritual/sexual connection can potentially heal the deepest
wounds and whether erroneous or not, I believe the wounds caused by
relationship require conscious relationship to heal. As a result of our physical
and emotional distance, I’ve fervently had my way with myself to recapture the
exquisite union we’ve experienced together. It hasn’t worked a bit, let me say.
Like anything you really really
enjoy doing, to have it cut off without consent – tangled with a fair amount of
emotional ambiguity mixed up and in, has been more than I choose to keep
experiencing. Or putting myself through. Please note, this has absolutely
nothing to do with her. She is a Lovely lady going through her own journey
of Awakening. Sometimes, as she’s recently pointed out, there’s just no room to
travel this road together. At least not for her.
I have a great respect for the ways
of transformation. I know the at times, heavy hand this force can deliver the
goods and it usually hurts like hell to resist. As the old Chinese’s saying
goes: only when you become sick of your
sickness will you cease being sick. I Am sick of feeling squeezed and
pinched in this relationship. Again, I look to see if I’m wimping out here,
bailing because the heat is too much and lo and behold, there eventually comes
a point when, for emotional preservation alone, I have to say – enough is
enough.
By no means am I the world class,
poster boy for conscious relationship (I’m not) but I do have sincerity, commitment
and stamina. I will not give up unless it’s clear the way is closed. Either I’m
too dense, stuck or trapped in my own way or she is blah blah blah, this and that.
It really doesn’t matter, does it? If it keeps not feeling good, there’s a
reason.
One of the immortal advice tid bits
I’ve ever heard about creating a long lasting relationship that endures the
test of time, is make sure you pick the right partner from the get go. If you
can’t weather the storms TOGETHER, drop the line as soon as possible. No
quitter am I, though after 4 mos together, the writing is clearly all over the
wall.
Although I was initially counseled
by an astrologer friend (who read our individual and composite birth charts) that the
elements we’re not especially favorable for Mel and me, I felt (and hoped) our Love would
win the day and we would rise above our differences and create a long lasting
relationship. Perhaps I was simply blinded by my emotions and yet as I look
closer, I see the perfection playing out here, just so. I really is all good.
We all have our differences,
preferences and idiosyncrasies. We all have human baggage and that’s a fact.
However and especially in the times we live in, your shit’s gonna rise to the
surface. It’s just essential that 1) you take full responsibility for your own pain,
2) you don’t fling it on your partner and 3) you both are willing to
accommodate each other's requests as best you can. No, not always in all ways but if
you or they aren’t willing to bend to keep creating a bridge so you can both
walk over in times of conflict, you will break apart for sure.
And so we have. We broke up last night.
… to be continued …
No comments:
Post a Comment