The Yoniverse pt 2

Have you ever wondered what it's like to be a man in these times, trying to get our baring amidst the spin, swirl and confusion of modern life? Without a Brotherhood to rely on to lend encouragement and support, most often stuck in our old paradigm beliefs and behaviors, we are searching for direction without hardly a roadmap… except of course, what’s readily available in all of us – our Hearts. And for us all, herein lives our salvation, don’t you know.

   
This is the grand conundrum for us men. How can a man get into his Heartspace without feeling the backlog of emotions he’s never allowed himself to really access, let alone feel - and if that doesn’t discourage him beyond all possibility of hope, to actually transform and heal the deep wounds we feel? 

Alas, we can’t. With so much held in our Bank Of Mistrust, like forgotten accounts that have only compounded from our disinterest, we are most often overwhelmed by the accumulated sums accrued. The enormity of what we haven’t allowed ourselves to feel and in turn clear and release, is why there is so much conflict within ourselves and in the world at large.

The irony for men is the answer lives much closer – and deeper than we think. (Pun intended.) No, not from the masculine parts we’ve come to associate and identify with all these lifetimes but from the other side of the tracks, ie. the opposite half of our Whole self. For most men this locale is the run down section of town, long ignored and disregarded and yet, here lives our solace and liberation.

It’s in the feminine force and consciousness within where we will learn to identify, face and in time, embrace to transform the immensity of emotional baggage we've been holding on to or rather, that’s been holding onto us for about as long as we can possibly remember. Here lives all these wonders – and more, all contained in your own personal Yoniverse, living in you.

To get here just takes getting really present in our bodies and alive in our Heartspace. Sounds easy but not so for most men. On the whole, women have such an easier time of this than we do. By virtue of having a menstruation cycle that biologically defines you as women, it roots you in your bodies in, from what I’ve observed all my adult life, a way that men haven’t a clue. By virtue of you having to feel the internal hormonal currents moving so strongly through and flowing out of you on a regular basis (this alone already sounds way too intense), gives you an intimate and visceral understanding of what being present in your bodies is all about.

We on the other hand, are experts in not feeling our feelings. We’ve largely directed our energies towards external pursuits, endeavoring to define ourselves primarily by what we do and accomplish out in the world. Does this accurately characterize, in general so far, the masculine mass consciousness archetype, for good or worse? It certainly isn't the most exalted expression of what we’re capable of - yet -  but it’s what we have to work from. Sorry to take so long ...

As a fairly well balanced guy, having trained at length with strong, conscious women teachers and healing mentors, over time developing my intuitive gifts and awareness of my feminine nature, I always have to keep checking in just to keep the communication channels open. It’s like the more I know, the more I have to do just to stay even. The down side is, no longer can I disregard my feelings just because they feel ‘bad’ though I genuinely miss the moments when I could. My addiction self just Loved those daze.

Ignorance may be bliss to some, though currently on the planet, prolonged ignorance will get you left behind. It feels like the boat is slowly pulling away from the dock, with the distance widening more and more from shore. To miss this passage would be a real bummer. However you calculate the timelines involved, we’re talking about hugely significant lengths of time. Massive, in fact. In this respect, who knows when the next shuttle service will come around offering such acceleration in our Soul’s development.

From whatever I’ve been able to gleam from the ongoing downloads and intuitive insightful hits these Turning Of The Ages times are all about, is that yes, something all together new is touching our Earth. Whether unprecedented as they say, it is a whole new ballgame starting up. The pitching is live with real hard balls thrown yet the good news is, we all have our chance to take our swings.

It really is a big time deal, what’s going on now. For all of us to shift more smoothly to accommodate the incoming Juice, we'll have to tap into our abilities to let go of whatever constricts us, on every level, all to keep expanding to hold more Light/Lifeforce flooding in. I've come to believe all our various pains, issues, wounds and hurtful reactions, long held in private reserve, will have to transform and lighten considerably for us to continue moving along if not keep living, period.

However you define the more ‘feminine qualities’ in women and men alike - those associated with receptivity, compassion, nurturance, humility and forgiveness, all come to mind. Each one of these is a doorway we can heal through. These energies in fact, are the magic and alchemical elixirs that can support and allow a man to enter into the catacombs of his sealed emotional body. To mine the ground where our Hearts have been buried, we will have to do this excavation work for ourselves. In this as always, we have to do it for ourselves but we can't do it alone.

Without accessing our feelings, we cannot evolve. Without doing the self-healing required, we will remain stuck in our old shit. The warehouses’ full of what we haven’t emotionally attended to only prevent us moving forward because the weight of the unresolved won’t permit it. 

To graduate from Earth School and get our diplomas, the price of admission to the holy grounds are all the reflections and expressions of our ego’s woundedness and pain body’s chronic aches and pains. Like the old Egyptian's god who weighted your heart to that of a feather upon your passing, if the heft of our suffering counted more, back to Earth we went. I don't know about you but for me, over and over again.

Having recently plunged into my emotionality resulting from a recent breakup, this has suddenly quirked up yet another vista view visit into places I’d much rather not be. Oh well, upon this we can all depend - the Yoniverse conspires to force us to our destiny. I recently read that relationship is not meant for happiness but transformation. Great. And it comes at such a good time too ...

What began allowing me to move into the outer layers of my core wounds was in finding that my feelings won’t kill me but my resistance, fear and resulting anger surely will. In all stories of Awakening, that each and every one of us share, is eventually ending up where the only possible choice left is to get real present, surrender, let go and turn it all over to God/Goddess or Whatever you hold most dear.

You just gotta get out of the way. Bottom line. This capability, however, doesn’t normally live in the land of the virile, valiant and manly brave. This is more a female thing. The ability to not always resist has its pluses, really across the board on all levels of our being. To go with the flow - so clichéd out and so totally crucial, especially during a time of Awakening when a never before unreleased heightened strain of Light is being set into our individual, collective and planetary grid systems.

That I should envision the Goddess Void holding us all is my personal preference, present and alive in the amniotic fluid of her Yoniverse. In the unknowability of this Eternal Reality, lives all imaginable possibility. Here the exponential potential ever simmers away … how can I conceivably convey what it’s taken as a man to even begin to grok this concept? I can testify, it’s not been from my masculine ego's perspective, that’s for sure.

I can also attest, it hasn’t been much fun at all learning of this. The saying ‘the bigger they come, the harder they fall’ had my ego in mind when written. Ask most any guy who has an inkling of what I’m talking about, who himself has been through his hell realms, his Dark Nights of His Soul passages to rebirth and emerge out fairly unscathed - speaking of which, I sure wish I knew more of us! 

If you yourself are one or know of any, please contact me. Thank you so much.

What this has taught me is it’s in my vulnerability I find my strength. No, not in the sense of my personality’s ability to handle a situation and then wimp out but from an openness born from being more Heart centered. This is the Yoniverse effect. The dance between holding on to direct a situation and letting go to have it move from a higher hand is such an art. It's the art of living Awake.

… to be continued … pt 2 to follow ...

PS If you felt moved, inspired, touched, supported, annoyed, or anything else after reading this post, please let me know. I really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s easy and only takes a minute.  Click on 'comments' or 'no comments' below. Also, if you feel inspired to share this with another, please do so!

Thank You.

The Yoniverse

Huge. Fathomless. Unknowable and a complete mystery, through and through. Ask most any guy and he’ll tell you he’s been trying to solve this conundrum all his life. I know I have. And it’s not just a sexual thing, either. It’s a mystery because there’s never a solve involved – for us men, it’s an ongoing inquiry into the part within ourselves this relates to and reflects. Oh my golly, our very own feminine nature.

 

Regardless of being born into a masculine functioning form, designed and constructed to be able to perform certain functions and operate in specific ways, are we as Spirits first and foremost, inherently either male or female – and as Spirits, when entering this life, born into a boy’s body upon birth, are we only that, a man in the making?

I don’t think so. With so many of the traditional gender boundary markers being destroyed, transformed and redesigned these days, steadily picking up momentum especially since the advent of the birth control pill way back when, men have been more or less clueless as to which role we are now to play. Or perhaps perform is more accurate.

We just Love tasks. It gives us something to do that taps into our whole ‘live with a purpose’ thing. We often need a direction in mind and a goal in sight that gives us a sense of endeavoring in our lives. It’s been said, first and foremost, the masculine Lifeforce is predominantly guided to fulfill our purposeful function in life. As in ‘doing the do’ – however this happens to look like at the time. We're the more action oriented force of the mix.

As we’ve come to realize, the masculine/feminine archetypal Lifeforce is certainly not gender specific. Not at all. As humans, we have a unique combination of both qualities built into our hard drives, with our individual interpretations adding to the elaborate and often colorful mix. Just walk down 6^th Ave in the village, here in NYC on any Saturday night and you'll see a full array of humanity openly on display.

The irony in the gender struggles, with both sexes in an accelerated free fall into unknown territory, is both sexes ultimately win. The swing of the evolutionary arch is now inviting anyone who chooses to look between the extremes or apparent opposites to find the common resting place within us all. And it's in our Hearts, don’t you know? Only here can we truly come together, unifying in commonality without definition or distinction. It's in our Heartspace the myriad differences are no longer readily evident and only here can we meet together in the Sacred within our common Self. Yes after all boys and girls, Home is in the Heart.

A friend and once teacher of mine (thank you David Cates) shared the notion that men actually have wombs as well, energetically speaking. That contained within our male matrix is the template of this feminine core, creatrix force. While working and training together, he would guide me into this energy field, accessing the feminine current inherently contained in my lower belly. I came to call this tapping into my ‘belly wisdom.’ 

As an empathic shape-shifter, this was fairly easy for me to do. It allowed me to get in touch with a very different consciousness flow of ‘Keith’ - one that had very different qualities, perspectives and characteristics than I was used to. It was subtle sensing at first though quickly turned into an ongoing meet-and-greet, like an intimate networking event all contained inside me. 'Hello and how are you? This is my male me. It’s so nice to finally meet you, my inner feminine nature …'

Over the years, I’ve come to disinvest in what this all possibly means needing less and less reasons why to satisfy my curiosity and understanding. In time, I’ve become very comfortable interacting with these complimentary parts of Keith. The ongoing discovery has certainly been rich enough. The way my mind functions has become less linear, more cyclical if not holographic in perception and as a result, my internal viewfinder has expanded to include a much larger field of vision

My intuition has greatly developed and my ability to feel deeply has also increased. I believe this is a direct result of opening up to my innate, feminine consciousness and inviting this aspect of me to express itself more and more. I have been well fed with all she provides.

However, accessing this feminine element has also proven challenging as well. Never having had much of a hint as to how to ‘act like a man’ and being very resistant and reluctant to follow in the prestepped footprints of my father and other male role models of my youth, it’s been yet another paradigm dispelled  before my very eyes …And yet, when it comes right down to it - no matter what, we all have to define ourselves for ourselves anyway. As always, this can get complicated but hey, it's the times in which we live.

Out of confusion comes either chaos – or breakthrough. Often it seems to require the chaos part to push us forward, forcing our hands to embrace a whole new way of seeing ourselves and living our lives. These times, called The Turning Of The Ages, surely speak to this phenomena where the signpost markers are all betwixed and between – where up is over, in is below and most don’t have any frickin’ idea as to how to act and what to do. This goes for women and men alike.

In keeping with the saying  – Learn to fly when you’re falling, I’ve found the only way to navigate safely through my Yoniverse is by being persistently present in the sanctuary of my Heartspace. This has become my only safe haven in the storm. What does this mean for us men you ask - and how possibly will the majority of us guys evolve to not only recognize the complimentary aspects of our selves, but come to Love, embrace and actualize what this can look like in a man?

Who knows!? We're all figuring it out as we go. It’s a wacky world out here, with such a inter- dimensional Felliniesque quality to life these daze. It’s not that just the strong will survive; rather the most Heart conscious of all will keep rising to the surface and flowing along with the currents moving through the planet now. In order for humanity to survive let alone evolve, the masculine and feminine dynamic within us all will have to progress and develop and become completely interdependent… and you ladies thought you had it all rigged just because you have a yoni of your own.

 ... to be continued ... pt 2 to follow ...

Keeping Your Faith

When all is said and done, when a pinch has become a tight squeeze in your life leaving you feeling lost and confused, often the only relief is resting quietly in your Faith. Such a tricky and ambiguous concept, this. I too have been instructed by the outer authorities, religious and Spiritual alike, to seek to develop my Faith in God and if not in the Almighty, than in the Universe at large.

This is such a foundational belief and fundamental point of focus in nearly, if not all organized methodologies to growing your Spiritual development. Isn’t it believed that as your Faith grows, so does your relationship to the Divine? In many ways, this makes perfect sense to me because, personally speaking, this connection has only deepened my alignment with the Sacred within myself. And this is a very good thing.

In fact, it’s the only thing that matters. Of all the myriad reasons so many of us left the congregations of the religious upbringing of our youth, perhaps it's because the rituals of these dogmatic approaches to worship have become so rote and dry, void of any snap crackle pop, Heartspace-wise. After all, where is the Love!? It’s always great to have a really good choir singin’ out the hymns, lifting up the room with shared voices all joined together fervently praising your version of God … but what happens when you’re all alone, left to your own devises – what then?

As in AA when a new recruit comes forth to own their shit and sincerely express from their pain, all from a deep Heartfelt desire to recover from alcohol addiction, it can be an essential and indispensable step to getting healthy again. Good thing too and totally necessary if this is what supports and allows you to finally get the drunk monkey off your back. We all need succor in times of crisis and a supportive community to back us up and hold our best interests when we fail. 

This encouragement and assistance is required to keep us strong when we come to doubt our own inner strength. We really do need each other to make it through the storms in our lives. I knew someone who is fond of saying – we’re all just walking each other Home. In this, in part I too believe, we really do get to Heaven through each others open Hearts.

Just as training wheels on your first bike are really helpful in getting the feel of riding unassisted, eventually as you progress, you learn to ride on your own, free and clear of these rolling supports. You learn to ride on your own and off you go, flying away on two wheels. However and no fault to them,, some people never really get the hang of doing the balance thing, feet always moving with the hand eye coordination happening all at once. It can just be too much to get it going, all at the same time.

Then perhaps it’s best not to ride at all. Like taking that first drink – one is too many and about 6 or 7 too few, it’s wise not to tempt the dragon by getting on in the first place. Hey, in 80's parlance - just say no. And yet, when it comes to Faith, it’s less concrete or visceral than this. Faith is totally ephemeral in nature, more transient an impression than the blinding morning after hangover, both physically and emotionally as well. One you have go deep inside to get to, the other has sat all funky on your head, laughing at your misery.

The whole significance and belief of ‘taking a leap of Faith’ is only valuable when you can’t see where you’re going, what you’re hoping to land upon and how you’ll even fare when you do arrive, hopefully on terra firma in one piece. If you do land upright at all, that is. But that’s the point in all this, isn’t it? 

You gotta believe there will be a firm surface to land on or a welcoming hand to embrace you after you’ve committed to your jump. In this regard, surrender is a primary element in going with the flow or surfing the waves that can come crashing in on us in our lives. This too is always spoken of in all Spiritual traditions, the necessity and willingness to let go/letGod take command of your life.

Isn’t a definition of Faith believing in something that doesn’t have any obvious evidence to do so? It’s like the saying - God can only catch you when you jump – great! Now I have to blindly jump into the Void and believe in a God that’s gonna actually catch me when I do!? As we all know, this is a lot easier said than done. And yet, to really progress on our path of Awakening, we will have to relinquish our sense of control and domination in our lives. We do have to turn over and relinquish our ego's belief that it alone can make us happy and fulfill our Heart's content.

One who's had my Faith tested of late, believing in what my last Lover told me, only to have it proven false, at least by her actions, has forced me to go back to the drawing board. Getting knocked on my ass, emotionally speaking, has many intrinsic benefits, don’t you know … if nothing else, it’s giving me another opportunity to stand back up on my own two feet, all to get my center and balance, once again. Yea for this!

What this post is getting to is it’s wonderful to have Faith in something or someone ‘out there’ ie. a greater, higher power but for my bet, it’s mandatory above all else, to have Faith in myself. How can we possibly believe in something else if we don’t have an inkling of this precious commodity within ourselves to draw on as we go – and is it even possible to have trust in anything other if not alive in and for ourselves, first? I don’t think so.

Maybe it’s splitting metaphoric hairs or a matter of Spiritual semantics but it has always seemed to me, God wants us to believe in the Divinity within ourselves  more than look for It outside. Not for nothing – but it came to me years ago that that ‘God’ doesn’t want to be the object of our primary worship as much as each of Itself - as us – worshipping It in ourselves first and in each other more.

It takes the middle man out of the equation, whether the priest of guru or higher Spiritual ideal all a’glowing in the mist. Within us all, is the ever present doorway to the Sacred alive in our own Hearts. In fact, that’s the entrance way itself – your own Heart. What could be more simple or perfectly created than to have designed into our consciousness matrix the very escape route potentially leading us out of this world's illusion, all hiding within our own bodies? What a smart Being that did such a miraculous thing.

Like many if not most, my Heart has been barricaded for lifetimes behind the woundings of my painful past. The armor plated defense systems always turned away the perceived attacking threats, all to keep me safe ... except, I found myself all alone in the guard tower and in time, this became insufferable. The tension it took to remain guarded become too difficult to maintain in this life and thankfully, I asked and have done the required work to renegotiate the contract, helping dissolve the barriers. 

 

As in present circumstance when I misread the playing field by a good margin, I’m having to do the self-responsible thing by getting right back on the horse that threw me, if only to enliven the Sacred in my life once again. I’m having to do this for, with and in my Self, here in my body, now in the present moment. No higher power can do this for me. What a great gift the Universe is offering me in this.

Obviously, I put too much emphasis on another to provide me the connection to the Sacred Union I long for, having come to believe it is my destiny to co-create this with a female partner. This mind you, doesn’t negate my personal responsibility to endeavor to persevere within myself to make my Soul’s dream come true by first creating this Sacred connection inside of my self first… it does, however, include a willing Beloved to share this Earth walk together.

As recently displayed, some are more in line with this than others and some don’t have the capacity to engage in this way at all. Maybe it’s just not their dharma, who knows? Or at least not yet or at least not with me and I am at peace with this now. In the crunch of all this, I totally recognize the her 'out there' is merely a refection of this part in my self. I'd have to be an even bigger asshole to keep blaming anyone for my own feelings.

In this respect, all is well and fine with no judgments passed in anger either way. Just like we all have to hold our own pain, first and foremost, I believe in intimate reflection of what I’ve just experienced, we all have to develop our personal Faith first in ourselves, above all else.

I think it’s an ever blending of the material necessities with Divine providence, with the Divine always holding the final trump cards. Like the saying – it’s wise to believe in Allah but it’s smart to tie up you camel – we have to cover both bases on this Earth plane to make it all the way, safely Home.

As my pain body has been drained of its trigger charge and the emotional reactivity has stopped, I get to see how it was my choice to get back to my Spiritual basics that freed me up to feel Light once again. This alone has opened my Heart now. It was my commitment to get back in touch with my Soul Stream, alive in my Vertical Power Current, that turned the recent tide. 

Eventually, we all have to leave the safe enclave of our support meetings to venture out alone into the world. Great we always have an over lightening power watching over us but better yet to have ourselves doing the empowering in our own lives as well. It’s not for effect the saying God helps those who help themselves first has such a potent ring to it.

… to be continued …

Twin Flamed Out

Just to set the record straight: I’ve had a number of friends and readers of this blog write and offer their 
relationship condolences, (thank you sincerely for your concern), asking among other things, what really happened!? They've wanted to know what shifted with the woman who went from being my Divine Ms Mel to then becoming my ex in a relatively few short weeks … simply put: what went wrong? This post is dedicated to answering your inquiries.

 

I really wish I knew. Needless to say, I’ve wondered this very thing over this past week, trying to track when the bottom fell out, the balloon deflated and the doorway closed between me and her. Not to over analyze the situation to death, knowing cognitive understanding is the big and useless booby prize but I have indeed asked this question, if only to lend perspective. And, to ease my disappointment and pain.

One not to cast aspersions, certainly not to point a finger of judgment in anyone’s direction, I thought to share further insights from the relationship edge. In the grand scheme of things, in a pinch, we always do what we do to keep ourselves safe. It’s a survival mechanism, if nothing else. Pay attention, how this innate instinctual drive has played out in this instance, is telling for all you Twin Flame wanna be’s …

Aside from the romantic notion that this blissful coupling will solve all your problems, wiping all your own personal issues away in one fell swoop, think again my friends. One of, if not the most highly sought after holy grail prize on the Spiritual horizon, this whole concept has taken on many appearances (and false facades) for me as of late.

In my brief experience, perhaps the opposite is more likely true. By a long shot. To not make too fine a point – if you can’t stand the heat, stay your ass out of the kitchen! The smoke alone is gonna kill you, never mind the fire. In the closed container of the Twin Flame chalice, all that’s held within will cook cook cook until the fine mass of your ‘personal issues’ are distilled into a massive ball of if not chaos, certainly confusion.

Why is this you ask? Why does the good have to hurt so bad? I tell you, it’s a wonderment. Perhaps to sum it all up – the brighter the Light the darker the Shadow. In the Divine design of Awakening, the way we most often progress is to get pushed by our pain. Ouch. Why else would we keep on going if not for the task master welding the riding crop, steady on our backsides, just so?

No S & M’er am I but I have to believe, it’s all built into the system where in the end, our pain eventually becomes our pleasure. Speaking of sexuality; have you ever wondered why men can’t have multiple orgasms? Simple. If we could, humanity would still be living in caves because men would be endlessly jacking off marveling at the mystery of our shadows on the wall, if we’d even bothered to invent fire. We'd be incapacitated, unable to leave the bed to go out to kill a Woolly Mammoth.

In his respect, if it all feels too good, you lose your edge. Ask any world class athlete or person in a competitive situation. If you coast along without the burning drive to succeed, you will get passed, left behind in the curve - as you watch them run away, leaving you eating their dust. It’s inevitable, if you get lazy. More often than not, only the strong survive and the best do win the race.

Not a casual affair is this Twin Flame thing. The most highly valued attainment short of pure enlightenment, it offers a wayward Soul final sanctuary to come Home in Itself. In this, it’s said when we’re all created from Source and sent out to experience existence, we’re split into two equal halves of a Whole. Each a perfect complement and reflection of the other, only to potentially find each other in the end. (Don’t you just Love a happy ending?)

Like the classic yin/yang symbol, we are in fact exact mirrors with the same seed core Essence within. Except we’re opposite polarities, just to make it really tricky and interesting … yes, opposites do attract – and they can also make you both utterly crazy, don’t you know. What started off amazingly well, with all circuits seemingly in synch, all too soon became a situation where we couldn’t much be around the other.

Yes yes, I know – but just between you and me, it really was all her fault and yet in the spirit of fair play, I too was in our private sandbox. It was just us. I just didn’t start with the pull back, go away, sudden sharp left turn business. However, and this is vitally important, whether she and I are actually TF’s, I can’t possibly escape the truth that she ‘out there’ is an intimate reflection of me right here.

Not in my ignorance or emotional naiveté can I claim that loophole out. I ain’t no victim caught with my drawers down wondering (Talking Heads soundtrack please) how did I get here? Nope.On whatever level, I created (or rather co-created) this relationship to give me yet more material to work on in my ongoing virtual Earth School classroom. Call it the curriculum that (does it?) never end …

In this regard, I couldn’t have picked a more worthy candidate to play my foil – I mean my friend - to walk this pathway right now. Not a guy that looks too much like Quasimodo, Mel was the first attractive and Spiritually resonate woman here who give me the eye direct since I arrived in NYC 4 mos prior. She in fact (so she said), instantly recognized me from afar as I entered the ballroom for some Spiritual event or another this past November. 

She later told me she felt that special ‘something’ charge the air when our eyes first met. I however, was quickly passing through the room on my way to another engagement across town and didn’t take the time to register or speak with her. I did however, notice her enticing, how should I say, statuesque figure although being the socially conscientious guy I am, didn’t gawk at all. Though I thought about it, sure enough …

When she texted a day later, having gotten my contact info from a mutual friend also attending the aforementioned event, I was touched and impressed that we spoke seamlessly, non-stop for over an hour, just saying hello. To shorten the story, our first impressions soon turned out to have more intimate consequences … and in so doing – guilty as charged officer – we were both ticketed with Love possession of nookie In the 1^st degree.

(Sorry ladies, this is how a guy tells the story …) For me, it was a Joy come true. She fit my picture on most every level imaginable, looking more and more like my Dream Babe incarnate. I tell you, my DNA was spinnin’ like never before and from her tell, it was the same with her. What could go wrong?

Like any young couple in fresh bloom, we made plans to do this and go there, planning a trip to Europe later this Summer, fantasizing all the while, resting and playing in the sweet and tight, as one, together. I could hear our Angels sing our praises because we sang so well with each other.

Watch out you blinded by Love types ... we, or at least I, was surely this, stricken to be sure, through and through. This is the ‘boy gets girl, boy loses girl’ phase of the plot ark, where just to add drama and suspense, we were hit blindside by … I’m still not too sure what. Yes, she has her version of this and perhaps when her tell-all memoir comes out, you’ll get her side of things. All I can say is, the script never developed to the point where boy gets girl back.

I heard how, (with all fairness to her, in this having happened to me), all of a sudden she, being in her own rendition of the Turning Of The Ages screw apart, was hitting some extremely challenging circumstances in her life that completely claimed her attention, 100%. In reaction, she became more and more unavailable, needing she said, time and space to totally focus on her own life right now. I got it.

In short, she said, I became a distraction to her and what became ironic, only when I didn't see her was she a distraction for me. What started off as ‘I can’t get enough of your Love’ devolved into a weekend fling. My part in this is, I don't respond well to my Lovers suddenly pulling away, physically and emotionally distancing themselves. My primary care giver growing up was many splendid things, though being an alcoholic wasn't one of them. My mother's mood swings were a bitch.

Early on, I sank into the well spring of our coupling, both physically and Spiritually. I’d been looking and waiting for one such as her for a very very long time, having filled my Heart and head with the notion of a Sacred Union, Soul and lifetime partnership. I began to believe this was It.

Although not complacent or limp rag uninspired, I felt I’d met my match (her words too) and didn’t feel so driven to go out and go get ‘em. Like a dying man in the desert finding an oasis, I just wanted to lap it all up for as long as I possibly could. To his end I had to ask, why leave the moist shade of Love to ambitiously conquer this town? We got out and about but alas, what went up, did come down and after play came work. Speaking of which, be both needed to make $$$ and get on with our lives.

Her sharing she really thought we were TF’s was exactly what I most wanted to hear, though was reticent to buy in will all my chips, just yet. Maybe it’s having been around the block enough times to wait for the 2^nd act before I believe in the outcome, assured. And for me, it sure felt like the Real Thing. To keep have ongoing experiences that kept getting better and better, on every level, was the real deal clincher. Consistency counts.

My true Tanric belief is, if done in a Heart centered Sacred way, making Love can help heal the deep, dark and nasty’s in anyone. When the Divine is consciously brought into the clinch, miracles will happen. Unless you bolt, that is. The cure to much of the sickness we all have suffered, ie. separation from Source symptom’s, can be healed by Loving in this way. I just know it. But like mending a broken anything, the time it takes to knit the tissues is the time necessary to come full circle and complete the healing. You just have to stay the course, is all.

Ever take a cast off a cracked bone too early? Not good, at least if you want it to function properly without pain. I've come to believe, sometimes the too good fucks with our sense of self. Personally speaking, having had my own bouts with self-worth issues, I’ve blown too many opportunities because I didn’t believe I really deserved them. Sound familiar, anyone? Yeah, I thought so. 

Maybe this in each of us played a part in our breaking up – although I have to say, any woman who has 2 or 3 O’s a day is bloody nuts to walk away from such Loving. And yet she did. Plus I'm a great cook, have a great sense of humor and clean up after myself. Truth be told, in her place with her disposition, I would have closed the door too. But I’m not her, so the same really doesn’t apply. I Love her with all I Am and have looked long and hard at what I would have done different. In this way, my cross examining has proven fruitless, knowing there are no accidents at all, it is all Grace and a Blessing besides.

In retrospect and in summation, I sincerely hope and trust if ever this opportunity presents itself again, I will stay the course and stick with it no matter what. I will not bail, as I believe she did, making excuses to divert the force just because it’s too difficult to keep finding ways to carry on together. No, perhaps the last act is not fully written for us and yet, hearing her tell it, it is.

But hey, that’s just me. She, as a radiant sovereign Being has her own agenda for her life. May she get all she wishes, wants, desires and deserves. I do have to say, I envy the guy who gets to clean up on her efforts and together enjoy their rewards. And this being said, I welcome a Beloved into my life who is ready to walk this way - the way of the open, empowered Heart. Of course, having the appreciation of the more Earthly appetites will be welcomed as well. Please don't take too long ...

... to be continued ... 

 PS If you felt moved, inspired, touched, supported, annoyed, or anything else after reading this post, please let me know. I really do appreciate your comments and feedback. It’s easy and only takes a minute.  Click on 'comments' or 'no comments' below. Also, if you feel inspired to share this with another, please do so!

Thank You.

Emotional Enemas

It’s like going into a sweat lodge and getting your ass cooked for 3hrs plus, cloaked in the dark, huddled with a bunch of strange people, wondering when it’s ever going to end. This is not a casual steam bath or a weekly svitz to clean your pores or clear your head. You enter into this ancient womb-like healing ceremony to go through a form of death/rebirth, where whatever you were holding onto (and has been holding onto you) can be thoroughly released.

This work is such a strong form of deep prayer and surrender. How else could you sit through 4 rounds of hot purification unless you felt you had to? Not an easy way to worship, however, if you last through the duration and put your Heart, body and Soul into the fire pit, it can change your life.

Same thing with doing an enema. Although perhaps pleasurable for some, I’d much rather have things going out down there than coming in. And yet, to get to the depths of the benefits of this practice, you're gonna get flushed. And that’s the point – to purge and release. Like barfing when you’ve got food poisoning or coughing up a hair ball (for those who like to lick your fur), never an especially pleasurable experience is this.

But what else works as well? When it’s gotta go, it’s gonna let you know. To hold onto the waste within will kill you. A random line up or cross selection of most humans will surely display many who already look well on their way, age aside. That’s because most of us are holding onto our old stuff that’s really more like shit, regardless of the color or smell. 

Basic to this Awakening process is the necessary release of all that has kept you from doing just this. Some call it shedding the ‘not Self’ – eliminating the aspects and parts that either no longer or perhaps never did reflect the essential Essence of What you are. As it’s taken lifetimes to build up the funky energetic plaque that surrounds and fills your energy bodies, it often takes as long to dissolve and dispel the pain body schmutz that’s been accumulated.

It just takes time and sometimes lots of it. As we’ve all been through Heartbreak, tragedy and bouts of depression, mild to extreme, not even the best quick fix pills allow you to shift off and away, free and clear from these painful places overnight. To do this successfully really does take time, intention, stamina and a whole lot of effort, not to mention Grace. Only a combination of all of these will pull you out of these moments of ‘I just wanna die!' It so sucks but the option is much worse. We all know when we go, we take our shit with us as well as our Light. 

Whether you follow the Red Road of our Native American ancestry or go it another way, to move past your suffering and pain, however it plays out, you will have to go through some of it to get out the other side. After all, the only way out is through. Like the homeless ones coming in from the winter cold into an overnight shelter, it’s amazing how many layers have to be peeled off to get anywhere near fresh skin. And then you have to scrub to get clean. Often, really hard.

It’s the same for all of us less situationally distressed. Simply put: to make it all the way Home takes a whole lot of whatever it takes and not one iota less. That’s why there’re so few people walking upon this planet who are really really happy and fulfilled. It’s a bitch to evolve if only because as a rule, we always hold onto the very things we would do well not to. But hey, that’s how you learn in Earth School.

Having personally just come out of an intimate relationship has been a similar passage for me. During the last phases of this cut and release has given me many rich, ongoing opportunities to not only see the soft tender sides of my ego but also the hardened, angry and fierce parts as well. In the end, it’s really all the same, isn't it?.  I’ve woken from nights of disturbing dreams feeling hurt, lonely and sad. I’ve felt confused and disillusioned, wondering 'why oh why am I back in these feelings once again!?

And yes, all the while I’ve known I created this experience/challenge/opportunity to show me all I’ve yet to fully attend to with all My Heart. I’ve learned it’s like the Marine’s motto: we leave none of our own behind - especially the one's hurt the most. It is only up to us to do the right things for ourselves. Until we finally welcome and embrace all the disowned parts of our selves, some of us will always feel locked out alone in the cold.

What Blessing this recent relationship has shown me; among many other things, how I wanted Love so bad I really didn’t listen to my instincts and intuition early on. (No fault to me, not my bad.) I overlooked what didn’t resonate just to get into the cozy clinch and my Soul desire to co-create a Sacred Union partnership clouded my perception because the hot and heavy felt so good, on all levels. Oops, color me horny – although in this regard, I certainly gave at least more than I got. 

This isn’t to say there weren’t many aspects that weren't simply Lovely for us. There were many. Aside from the whole Twin Flame business (like a moth to a flame I was drawn …) early on when she made herself much more available, I could see us riding together into the Sunset for evermore. I Am such a hopeful romantic after all.

And yet, like the Dan Akroyd character in the movie Trading Places, if you knock a person around long and hard enough and where it counts the most, they will fall apart. Bet on it. Not only that, under enough stress a normally sane person will do all sorts of stupid stuff ... didn't you just Love the scene where he stuffs the smoked side of salmon into his Santa suit? I sure can get messy when your circuits are all blown.

No one can weather the ongoing storms of transformation without breaking down, thus their usefulness to this end. Maybe not like a one shot, Mike Tyson right hand lead, KO punch but a steady barrage of Ali’ s best in his immortal prime, will surely knock you down and out - saying to yourself while you're flat on your butt ... how did I get here?

Breakthrough comes after breakdown, don’t you know. It’s been the same for me. Again, this is not about anyone ‘cept moi. I didn’t choose this experience to blame or shame anyone else, certainly not myself. There are no victim’s here staring up at the lights, getting counted out all fucked up which way or another. I am not asking ‘why me?’ I know there is a priceless doorway inviting me to walk through for me to act with as much clarity, consciousness and care as I most possibly can. And I Am.

The only way to transform and positively change a painful behavior pattern is while in it, make a different decision. Philosophical renderings aside, to not keep stepping in your dog’s do is a sure way not to smell like shit. Sounds simple, doesn’t it? Not really. If it was, we’d all be Ascended Masters by now. But this is the price we all have to pay. If you can’t put in the time, please don’t sign up for this journey – cuz it will kick your ego’s ass a million ways to Home coming. And yet, that's the point, isn't it?

The gift my ex has given me (and the Beloved through her) is to look yet again where I haven’t held my self and all parts therein, with as much Love and care as I asked of her. I’ve gotten to see how I abdicated my power just to be Loved on and just as important for us giving types, to Love back in return. I see how I kept bending over backwards to accommodate her requests, loosing my balance not honoring what felt good to me. I have witnessed the old ‘leading with need’ strategy, again not working out so well. 

I have felt turned in out and upside down, all to get the outer to fulfill the inner, forgetting to remember, the latter always has to come first. I’ve seen the results of my addictive personality rear it’s gnarly head, trying to fill it’s endless appetite, (though thank God, to a way lesser version in duration and quantity), all to indulge my hurt inner child’s victimhood. 

I’ve also seen how I no longer choose to keep taking the detour exit ramp into DramaTraumaland, just so I can lick my sorry wounds, all the while,sevretly hoping she would do this for me. To this I know, I have to own and hold my own pain – no matter what. This alone is my responsibility. The Sacred Masculine, always in all ways, shows up first for themselves to be the go-to, front line presence to do the dirty work. It really ain’t nobody’s business but my own.

The wrap up of this dance of ‘into me I see’ is like thankfully coming out of the sweat lodge tent after the long ceremony, crawling slowly on my knees. I have never ever wanted to go back in for another round or two, (yes, add another 10 stones please …). In this way, I acknowledge myself for having caught myself early in the midst of a free fall into what used to own me, relationship-wise.

And just like the last squirt on the colonic table, after the emotional dust has settled, I simply feel a tremendous sense of relief. Big time.

… to be continued …

Alpha Females pt. 2

Along with what I’ve read about this Twin Flame reconnection, I’ve come to believe in some ways it must be like being trapped in a phone booth with your self. Sounds like lots of fun? I don’t think so! The whole button pushing rub is taken to an even higher level. It’s been said that the fires of transformation grow in intensity and magnitude as does the potential for wondrous growth and Self realization. I’m sure it must be magnificent. However, because the alchemical heat is so turned up, you have to be even more conscious and aware of what’s at stake.

It will bring up all your shit. Count on it. In this respect, this dance has certainly fit the bill. For me, trying to find a compatible rhythm with Ms Mel has been fairly crazy-making. And no, this really is not her fault. She however, in all her feminine glory, has been very difficult to find harmony with on a day to day level. Going through her own mid-life crossroads meltdown (across the board, aren’t we all?), she has requested and requires time to herself – and her other personal activities, to find her balance. To a degree, as do I.

Believe me, I get this, loud and clear. And yet, one of the time tested sayings I’ve come to embrace is: I only want to play with those who want to play with me – and know how. Is it selfish of me to want to be wanted as much as I want her? I don’t think so. I used to make myself wrong for having feelings other's didn’t agree with or approve of. I used to kowtow to gain their validation and approval. No longer.

Then again, in the viewfinder of Awakening, every and all things, experiences and people in our lives are valuable opportunities to see where we are, how we show up and how we deal with all that’s revealed. For me, feeling put off and left out has indeed brought up some very old and funky patterns to feel, observe and snorkel through. Ouch.

I, (or in the parlance of what some would term ‘psycho babble’), my inner child has felt none too happy with the ‘parked until the weekend’ treatment by her. To keep having her insist we spend time together only on the weekend, always on her timeline – dare I say, calling the terms of our connection, just doesn’t feel good to me. In fact, not at all. Touching in closer into this aspect of myself, my little Keithie no longer feels safe with her.

As a result of this fall out, the underbelly of my Shadow has shown itself, loud and clear. I have felt needy, frustrated, disappointed and at times, angry. I have had bouts of feeling resentful and disconnected and as always, this has made me suffer, not her. Like the saying goes … when seeking revenge, you better dig two graves, one for them and one for yourself. I am the one who has to feel these feelings, not her. So I have to ask myself, all in efforts to become more Awake, why do I let my self dig into these places, opening the wounds in my hard scrabble Shadowlands? Why do I keep choosing to strip mine my emotional body – for what?

Last Friday night, after not seeing her since the previous Monday, she calls suddenly saying she’s on her way out of town for the weekend, (having made plans to get together earlier in the day), I feel into a rare late night, red wine sojourn, indulging in feeling sorry for myself. I texted her expressing my disappointment and anger, which of course, only pushed her away.

I went into a dark place I haven’t been in for years. Waking up lonely and hung over, I was forced to look hard at the wounds still present inside of me. I had to get up front and close with the emotional patterns that still run deep within. These are my reactive feelings showing me where I need to continue becoming more conscious and clear. Paradoxically so, the brighter the light, the darker the shadow … This in part, I have to believe, is why I created this situation in my life in the first place, to look even closer at my shit.

What this experience delivered me to was seeing what my relationship values, patterns and beliefs are and knowing above all else, I have to take even more responsibility for my thoughts, feelings and actions. As a turn of the famous Joe Louis line: I can’t run and I can’t hide. I know enough to recognize the priceless gift in all this and yes, I thank her for it. It has brought me to yet another choice point in my evolution – I either own the deep sadness, grief and sense of separation or I keep recreating this same scenario over and over again.

Adding to this mélange mess, I’ve sincerely missed making Love with her. This we did exceptionally well. I believe this Spiritual/sexual connection can potentially heal the deepest wounds and whether erroneous or not, I believe the wounds caused by relationship require conscious relationship to heal. As a result of our physical and emotional distance, I’ve fervently had my way with myself to recapture the exquisite union we’ve experienced together. It hasn’t worked a bit, let me say.

Like anything you really really enjoy doing, to have it cut off without consent – tangled with a fair amount of emotional ambiguity mixed up and in, has been more than I choose to keep experiencing. Or putting myself through. Please note, this has absolutely nothing to do with her. She is a Lovely lady going through her own journey of Awakening. Sometimes, as she’s recently pointed out, there’s just no room to travel this road together. At least not for her.

I have a great respect for the ways of transformation. I know the at times, heavy hand this force can deliver the goods and it usually hurts like hell to resist. As the old Chinese’s saying goes: only when you become sick of your sickness will you cease being sick. I Am sick of feeling squeezed and pinched in this relationship. Again, I look to see if I’m wimping out here, bailing because the heat is too much and lo and behold, there eventually comes a point when, for emotional preservation alone, I have to say – enough is enough.

By no means am I the world class, poster boy for conscious relationship (I’m not) but I do have sincerity, commitment and stamina. I will not give up unless it’s clear the way is closed. Either I’m too dense, stuck or trapped in my own way or she is blah blah blah, this and that. It really doesn’t matter, does it? If it keeps not feeling good, there’s a reason.

One of the immortal advice tid bits I’ve ever heard about creating a long lasting relationship that endures the test of time, is make sure you pick the right partner from the get go. If you can’t weather the storms TOGETHER, drop the line as soon as possible. No quitter am I, though after 4 mos together, the writing is clearly all over the wall.

Although I was initially counseled by an astrologer friend (who read our individual and composite birth charts) that the elements we’re not especially favorable for Mel and me, I felt (and hoped) our Love would win the day and we would rise above our differences and create a long lasting relationship. Perhaps I was simply blinded by my emotions and yet as I look closer, I see the perfection playing out here, just so. I really is all good.

We all have our differences, preferences and idiosyncrasies. We all have human baggage and that’s a fact. However and especially in the times we live in, your shit’s gonna rise to the surface. It’s just essential that 1) you take full responsibility for your own pain, 2) you don’t fling it on your partner and 3) you both are willing to accommodate each other's requests as best you can. No, not always in all ways but if you or they aren’t willing to bend to keep creating a bridge so you can both walk over in times of conflict, you will break apart for sure. 

And so we have. We broke up last night.

… to be continued …